Posted in lost, peace, storytelling, youth

PDX love letter

When I first saw you, my heart filled with warmth. I felt joy, happiness, excitement at the idea that this entire cityscape was mine to explore. Like a dream, it was a story I could write on my own, lead my own way and go on countless adventures. Which I did.

The skyline will forever be burned into my memory like a bright light that shines over me for the rest of time. You have taught me how to love, how to live, how to survive and thrive. The city is like my own world, my own universe where I have both created and destroyed versions of myself I’ll never see again. Since I was 18, I’ve climbed, stepped, ran, walked, biked, driven, and cried all over this place.

The love of my life found me here. This city has become a harbor of feelings that have gone through the many waves, ups and downs of life and love. I cherish this city as if it were a piece of us. I have made friends with people who are like family to me, all thanks to the fact we chose Portland.

Why did we choose it? Sometimes I feel like it chose me, or perhaps it was the aesthetic wanderlust of the city’s streets, architecture, inviting community, colorful art and homey atmosphere. Maybe it was the idea that I could become anything here, go anywhere and the city would always have my back. I would always be welcome here. My home in the sense that I grew up here more than I ever did anywhere else.

It was here that I grew into this woman who has an incredible intrigue for people, hands on experience and creation. All the seasons bringing out all sides of me, the good and the ugly. I’ve confronted my demons and fought them head on while standing in the dark rain in the North part of town. I’ve laughed my hardest while dancing under the beautiful yellow sun, watching as the rays catch on the Willamette River.

There is something particularly striking and special about growing up in a place where you create your own path. I’ve lost my way and found it again more times than I can count. It’s here that I discovered my dream is to save the world and use great creativity to do it.

Driving over the St John’s bridge has saved me from myself, but she also looms over me as a constant reminder for certain sorrows that exist in the shadows of this town.

This place has shaped the very existence of my bones. I know the neighborhood streets better than anywhere else in the world, I always say you can drop me somewhere, anywhere in Portland during the night and I can find my way back with my eyes closed. That’s because I’ve lived in every part—every corner holds a story, a conversation from my past. It’s been a beautiful place to unfold the fibers that make me….me. I got to know myself here. From all the different job, apartments, friends, adventures.

There were the dance nights at Lola’s room, dinner at Brix, shopping at Fred’s or fried chicken from Jacks (ifykyk). It was always a great time watching fire dancers at Dante’s, picking up dog treats from Tre Bone or getting my fave pizza with tzatziki ranch from Atlas. Coffee at Dragonfly, Stacks or Great North always made me smile. Never a dull moment with friends at Mcmenimans, Coral Club or Rontoms. Perhaps the cherry on top was hiking in forest park, walking through PSU campus, skiing on Mt Hood, chillin on Sauvies island, or exploring the craft fairs on Alberta and Hawthorne Street. The list goes ON!

I write all this not to be a sad sap, but to reflect on how incredibly rich my experience here has been. More than TEN whole years I’ve spent living here, loving here, experiencing here. A decade I spent making choices, making mistakes, learning along the way. All in Portland Oregon. This city whose voice and passion will NEVER go unnoticed. I’m proud to have been a resident here for this long. If you live here and really get to know this town, you’d understand and perhaps share in my appreciation. This is my love letter. My thank you 🙏🏼

I am grateful and I look forward to what’s coming. I’ll be exploring a new part of what I thought was behind me. But turns out, steps backward are just part of the dance 💃🏼 #CalihereIcome

Xoxo

Trin

Posted in being, lost, peace, youth

28

Somewhere between love and hate.

In between outgrowing what I knew and where I’m going.

Realizing that being at war with yourself is a fight that can’t be won. 

Understanding that relationships deepen but get more complicated as we age. 

28 is making peace with what I don’t know. Accepting that the price of my new self is my old self. 

You can’t outgrow what you don’t let go of. 

I’m not in the bittersweet wanderlust of my early to mid twenties, yet not quite made it to the fresh start of my thirties. 

Praying the world gives us the grace to grow. 

Some of us are drinkin, smokin, getting high. Some hanging on by a thread seeking light and strength wherever we can find it. Some buying houses, having babies, getting married. Others on a lonely adventure exploring life’s unpredictability.

28 is being stained by what we have uncovered about ourselves and the reality of our world… but continuing to soldier on. Doing it scared. Taking risks to keep moving because we either swim or die. 

28 is having discovered what we don’t like. 

It’s about knowing more about our morals and what we stand on more than ever before. 

It’s having just a little more clarity about life than we did when we were 26.

We made it past the 27 club.

28 is great because the world takes us slightly more seriously. We’re not “babies” but we’re not old enough to have the answers. 

28 is like being the oldest sibling. People look to you as if you’re gonna know what to do, and we fake it as if we do.

28 is my favorite year of life. Not because I have more wisdom inside me and certain failures behind me.

I love it because with this little bit of life I know, I actually believe in something. I have achieved enough, lived long enough and worked hard enough to finally believe in myself. 

I wonder what 29 will bring. 

xoxo,

T

“Are you a hot person feeling down and depressed?”

Posted in being

Love, Human.

Why is the cost of love, loss? Why do we solider on and persevere even if it seems the odds are stacked against us? Why do we “fight the good fight” with so much to lose? It seems the ticket of admission for deep love and true connection is risk–risking everything within ourselves in the hopes love will never fail. Yet, we lose people, pets, things…so my question is why in the hell do we continue again and again when we KNOW beyond a reasonable doubt that we will suffer pain, loss, angst? Is it really true that “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?” My answer is yes. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all .

The reason you’re alive on this Earth? At some point the two people who created you felt a sensation. Could have been lust, companionship, longing, or it could have been love. That’s the reason for my existence, the reason I have a name, it’s the reason I write this blog. To be human is to love and be loved. It starts wars and ends them. To be human is to experience every emotion under the sun and think the world may end at any moment, but continue to reheat our coffees and change the bed sheets as if we’ll live forever and nothing is wrong. But that is the insanely beautiful juxtaposition of life…just as love is with loss or change. We know *in theory* that nothing we can hold in our hands will last forever. But the crazy thing, is that love does last forever. It never fails, and it is our one true constant. You love your parents after they are long gone… you love your pets after they cross the rainbow bridge… you love after loss, and how grateful are we to have known that love? That love travels with you, and you spread it to others. To your friends, your other family, hopefully you spread it to yourself too.

So Okay—but does this explain why we as humans hold on to love even when it’s a risk? Even when it might not make sense to the outside world? It explains that pain is apart of the human experience as we are all too intimately familiar with. However, the thing about love is that it’s stubborn. Just as we are. We don’t give up easily because there is too much at stake. Matters of the heart will always bring hardship, but how interesting that on the other side there could be great change, joy, peace and happiness? When we have love, whether it be romantic, friendship, familial…it is always worth fighting for. That is because without it, without each other, this world becomes a different place. Other people are the greatest joy in life. We teach each other things, push each other to grow, experience the world together, support one another whether it be with math homework, cooking dinner, climbing Mt Everest or simply sharing thoughts over a phone call.

So although we may endure the sharpness of loss, we also become immersed in the pure joy that is loving others and being loved by others. There’s nothing else that can compare and it is apart of who we are as people. As long as we have love in this world, we also have hope. So friends, next time you cross paths with love itself…notice it, feel it, recognize it. Hold onto it. Life is both long and enduring, while also fragile and special. We live in a very hectic world where love is often last on the list of priorities. Yet without it, there would be no me, there would be no you.

Love,

Human.