Tag: lost

Posted in peace, storytelling, youth

Everything Bagel

Posted on by tjoroski

 I want to be like an everything bagel. 

I want to be a little bit of everything and I want to do a little bit of everything kind of like an everything bagel. 

Everything bagels are just right. They’re salty, doughy, have just the right amount of herb and are absolutely perfect toasted with some cream cheese.

I often get to a point towards the end of my day, where I wish I had more energy and more time to just do that little bit extra that I promised myself. Whether it’s go to my dance class, yoga, write a blog post, get that drink with a friend, or make myself actual dinner?? For some It might be that extra few minutes playing with their kid or taking the dog for a longer walk than just around the corner to “go potty baby!”

It’s the guilt for me. I feel like on some days I’m super woman and can wake up at 5 AM to go to the gym and work all day before cooking an incredible meal and prepping everything for the next day. but then that’s it lol. The Rest of the week I drag my ass out of bed to go to work so I can afford that mediocre gym membership and then by the time I get home I just want to sit on my ass!

So how does one become an everything bagel? In other words, how do I do everything I intend to do? This can be tricky because on one hand, you don’t want to break commitments or promises that you make to yourself. Would you break a promise to a good friend? No. Having goals and committing to them are an essential part of self-care. Letting yourself down is just as bad if not worse than letting down someone you care about. But on the other hand, listening to your body is of the utmost importance. Communicating with yourself in regards to what you need in those moments is also an essential part of self-care. 

For example, today I told myself I would go to my cardio dance class which I love (and pay for). I signed up and had a spot reserved, but work was insanely busy today as we were short staffed and I was on my feet nonstop. Towards the end of my shift, I felt torn between making myself go to a work out that I wanted to experience versus going home to rest for a second day in a row. I decided to go home and I was in fact, bummed out. But the moment I got home, I collapsed on the couch with my dog and was so glad I made that choice because now my body can get the rest it needs to have a good workday tomorrow (being tired at work is the worst thing ever and it makes me so mad). 

It’s also important to remember that everything doesn’t have to occur all at once. Things can be rearranged, schedules can be shifted, and nothing has to be according to a perfect timeline. This timeline is something we often create in our heads, and we tell ourselves that unless we do things that very same day, we aren’t worthy of rest. 

As a very type A, organized, Little Miss ‘Plans out everything’ kinda gal, it can be hard for me to change plans because mentally I like to stick to my original plan. But if there’s any important lesson I learned in all of this, there’s nothing more important than prioritizing your rest and recovery and listening to your body. We won’t be able to accomplish anything if we sacrifice how we’re feeling physically when we know it isn’t the right time to push harder. Sometimes telling ourselves to turn it down is 10 times harder than telling ourselves to turn the dial up. 

So how in the hell does this help me become an everything bagel? Well being an everything bagel is just that. I learn to balance not just my activities but also my rest and I recognize that prioritizing my rest and recovery is a huge part of why I can do activities to begin with. I guess to do everything, sometimes we have to do nothing.

So friends– eat the bagel, watch your TV show and remember to be kind to yourself.

xoxoxo,

Trinity ❤

Anyone want a bite of my vegan, gluten free, cruelty free, hypoallergenic, ecofriendly, preservative free, non-GMO, guilt free cupcake??

Posted in lost, peace, storytelling, youth

Pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Posted on by tjoroski

Embracing change can feel like hugging a cactus. Or perhaps it’s similar to taking cherry flavored cough syrup—it’s awful tasting, but you know you need it and that eventually it’ll make you feel better. 

Embracing change is one of those things that we essentially have no say in. So quite literally we either embrace it or make things entirely more difficult by avoiding it. 

Historically, I have been terrible at embracing change. I am usually afraid of the future and what I can’t control, it’s something I’ve been grappling with my whole life. When change happens I’m not always ready for it and I’m don’t always handle it well. However, when the storm passes and the change is simply ~happening~ to me…. I find that I’m actually, truly okay. Like the fear of it was wayyyy worse than the change itself. 

I feel like I am not alone in this either. I think we can all agree it’s reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly difficult to understand that change is actually happening for the betterment of our own futures (or something wise like that idk). Change also manifests different for everyone. It hurts different, hits different, heals different for every single human. No two paths are alike.

Sometimes we forget that we ALL go through it, like we fail to realize we’re all navigating this chaos at the same time!!! I have many friends right now, all in their twenties and early thirties still scratching their heads asking “what went wrong here? How long until this is resolved? When will I feel better? Is it my fault?” The answer is WHO FUC*IN KNOWS. A wise man once said, “time will tell us everything we need to know.” That line has never been more true and encompasses every aspect of the struggle—the reality is there is no quick fix and change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a matter of l-e-t-t-i-n-g it happen naturally. You can’t force it, like a fart- if you force it, it’s probably shit (saw this on a magnet somewhere).

So friends, to all this I say— try your hardest to be like the ocean and move with the waves. Let your self be carried by the water into the good vibes ahead. No sense in fighting the current because you’ll just be struggling to keep your head above water. Remember to take those deep breaths, lean on your loved ones, eat that bagel, do that workout and watch that episode. Take care of yourselves and love yourself through it, that’s the only way.

My families dog- Jazzy💖 05/2011-10/3/2023. May she reign in doggy heaven forever ✨🐶🕊🤍 R.I.P

Posted in lost, peace, planning, youth

“Hate It Or Love It”

Posted on by tjoroski

This is arguably by far the hardest, most challenging, uprooting, beautiful, heavy and confusing year of my life. I can say with UTTER and complete confidence that I have no f*cking idea what is going on. I am 26. Just 26 years young and 100% agree with the idea that your twenties are a hot train wreck from hell. There are so many silver linings and miracles within our youth. I have been blessed to the nines with some of the people I have met and the places I have been, yet there is this counter balance. This weight that is wrapped around your ankles, pulling you down. I am in this crazy space where I am free yet so stuck. Like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long that I just keep running. Sweating, out of breath, thirsty, in pain. 

This year my heart broke. This year my car broke (literally got into my second accident totaling my car once again). This year I went to Europe and fell in love with a new city. This year I got lost and not a single google maps search could save me from not knowing where my future lies. This year I realized my past stole from me— my money, my time and my love. 

I am going to be 27 in November and Im f*cking terrified. Who will I meet? Where will I go? Can I afford to go there? Will my heart become whole again? Will I finally stop crying?? (LOL never). I just have no clue which way is up these days. I don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong. Ive never been so unsure in my entire life. 

But you know what—I’m here. I’m here to find out. Everyday is the exact same but different. Everyday I wake up, anything can happen. I could run into 50 cent at the grocery store. I could win a cereal box sweepstakes. Maybe someone will discover me and I’ll become a famous blogger. Quite literally the world is my OYSTER (and I like oysters). So yes, I have been on the ride of my damn life, doing my best to stay positive and “keep my head up.” UGH can we be more original please!?

SO many questions, unanswered. ZERO sense of direction. No comprehension -anymore- of what I wanna be when I grow up. Sometimes I feel like I’m even going backwards and everyone else is moving forward past me. AND I KNOW  how this sounds. This is literally my thoughts, my brain IS this blog. I write to stay alive. I write to feel strong. To connect, to stay grounded in something when everything else is just non existent or falling apart. And to be clear, this isn’t an invitation for sympathy. This is my platform to be me and all are welcome here. Plus I KNOW you people have shit you’re going through. We ALL do for f*cks sake. 

With that being said though, I’m here. Im a person, a human. I write love letters to you and to myself with this blog. You’re not alone on this sinking ship. Lets keep bailing water out of this b*tch before *insert tasteless joke about millionaires and the deep sea*

xoxo

Trinity

Posted in lost, motivation, peace, planning, storytelling, youth

CALL 911 IM TRYING SOMETHING NEW

Posted on by tjoroski

Yo yo yo!!!! It’s ya girl back with a new episode of “WTF IS SHE DOING WITH HER LIFE” 🙂

So yes. Here we go. I am officially an Emergency Medical Technician student! I am so stoked. I decided to hit pause on getting my masters as a Physician Assistant and get more experience learning and hopefully doing some dope and crazy sh*t!!! I’m a little nervous but I know it’s the right thing because for some odd reason I am DRAWN TO THE CHAOS and I wanna help.

The thing is: this is the first time in over a year where I feel genuinely confident that I am 1000% where I am supposed to be. It doesn’t feel like a waste of time and I am so eager to learn. Ya know when you do something and it just feels right? Like nothing in your body is telling you otherwise. It’s a good feeling and I’ll admit it’s a foreign one too. I am a firm believer in working the system until you find the right fit. As an adult, I’ve always known that healthcare is for me, but I’ve had SO MANY jobs that didn’t feel “right” and this new adventure FINALLY feels correct like it clicked.

I would also like to point out that working with like minded people is such a valuable thing. Everyone in my class is a little cray cray because not only do we wanna be front line, we actually find joy in chaotic places where we feel we can make an actual difference. If you follow my blog, you know I have had a lot of ups and downs in my career/job life so writing this now is quite a revelation for me LOL.

The main reason I wanted to share my news with you all is because I have learned that No matter what, no matter how f*cking CORNY it sounds…DO NOT GIVE UP. Not on yourself, not on your dreams, not on your gut feelings etc. stick to it baby. What you put it is what you get out. You are the one that will take yourself to new heights but only if you actually BELIEVE you can reach them. I know I know it sounds lowkey stupid lol but take it from a b*tch who hasn’t had the most clear and direct/easy path to where she is now. It’s been one hell of a ride and it’s honestly just starting. Maybe in 3 years I’ll be a medic overseas makin’ dough, saving lives and sippin margs (off duty of course). IDK BUT I BELIEVE IT B*TCH.

So with this I say: visualize it. Breathe it. Even if you aren’t sure wtf is going on. Pick a feeling and roll with it like the damn tides babe. If you’re like “hmmm idk I like teaching and I like yoga and I like warm weather” then maybe try yoga teaching. If you love animals and like talking a lot then go hang out at the zoo and look at their job openings idk. But understand this: there are options and there is a pathway. This blog is for those of us who have had a rough go at finding it… but sis… it’s f*cking there you just have to go get it!

Wear green and share this post 10 times and you’ll be rich by next Wednesday.

Posted in Uncategorized

Rough Seas

Posted on by tjoroski

Happy Monday? Ew no. I am not a Monday or a morning queen. How about happy-we-are-still-blogging-and-got-out-of-bed-day. MUCH BETTER.

As I type I am working through an ocean of emotion (rhyme scale 2 out of 10 at best). Its been an odd few weeks? Months maybe? I just remember the Oscars flying by and perhaps St Patricks day was in there but IDK. What happens when everything occurs to you all at once? How do you navigate the boat? The storm is here. Murky, rough waters, harsh winds, and the deep dark unknowns. I will be the first to publicly announce my great fear of exactly that: THE uNkNoWn…

It’s always been a real stupid struggle for me to grapple with what I don’t know. What I can’t control and what I can’t foresee always gets me DOWN. I wish I had a crystal ball but I know if I did, I would most likely drive myself even more insane. Im in this space where I don’t know if I should go left or right, up, down or sideways. Im relying on signs from the higher power and from the universe because while I am trying my best and making decisions that I think are right, they generally come back to bite me in the ASS.

For example, I got rejected from all PA programs last application cycle and now I am at a crossroads where I am deciding if I should apply again. At the same time I will be taking courses to become EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) Certified but with the unfortunate way the cookie crumbles, this EMT experience wouldn’t even be applicable for this next round of school applications BLA BLA BLA. Don’t worry if that shit doesn’t make any sense for you lol just know it sucks.

I also am being tested in my relationships in my life and being challenged to do the right thing with my head and my heart which if you know me, my heart likes to run WILD in the love jungle and she doesn’t always know how to turn it down or bring it in… a matter for my complicated mind to settle in private BUT my point is, life really is like that meme. The one that asks how am I supposed to balance school, love life, wellness, more school, eating food other than $0.39 ramen, walk the dog, watch reality tv, talk to people, get gas and stay alive ALL AT THE SAME TIME???

Its like I’m swimming but with ankle weights so like my top half is moving but my legs are just flailing and sinking!! I am trying everything to stay positive and look at the good too. I got to see SZA in concert (I wept), I still have hot water at home and although my dog got skunked and lost a toenail last weekend, she is still cute LMAO. SO thinking back to my New Years post and thinking about everything happening, my only solution is to keep f*cking going. If we sink, we’re toast. So imma just keep it real and keep moving, imma f*ck around and find out what the future holds because this shit is not my last stop and you can bet that those ankle weights are only gonna make me stronger when they come off!!!!!!!

Cheers Friends ❤

Maryjanelosthertoenailaftergettingsprayedbyaskunk.jpg

Posted in lost, motivation, peace, planning, youth

Nose dive…? Jump? Idk I can’t smell shit.

Posted on by tjoroski

Allergy szn b*tchesssss!! In a dramatic turn of events, I am channeling my PA program rejections (4 out, 4 to go) into proactive energy working at at karaoke bar making significantly less money!!! Yay!!!! Who knew. Life has been this: applied for schools, left my BULLSH*T medical assistant job, was denied unemployment benefits, anddddd became a hostess ayeeeeee…

It’s been land of the lost, limbo narnia, unsure nation 2.0… BUT I do have a new addiction called “DoorDashing.” LOL. Literally it is saving my ass and paying my credit card minimums 10/10 recommend (Instacart can suck a d*ck). SO YEAH, here we are a month shy of me losing my parents insurance benefits for good and here I am sniffling as the leaves change, checking IDs and trying not to eat my weight in free chicken nuggets. It’s definitely spooky season bc I’m scared lol.

It’s been a trying time of accepting the present moment and trying my best to find peace WITHIN IT AHHH *practice what you preach.* So, ya know I’ve had time to process things that have happened while being 25 years young. I’ve been able to walk my dog longer, catch up on tv, read a lil (like a tiny teeny bit), see my friends, manicure my man’s eyebrows, wash my hair more often etc. The silver lining here is time. Time doesn’t pay the bills but it is priceless. This period of my life is the much needed slow down I’ve been desperate for.

Moving forward I feel this: my right now moments lead into my tomorrow moments and everything can change at any moment. Things haven’t necessarily gone my way for a higher purpose, like annoying, but I get it. I mean I’ve been given the gift of time and sleep which is more than I’ve been able to have in awhile. I’m learning how to value myself in ways I didn’t recognize before. So friends, I raise my hard kombucha today for the good sake of tomorrow and what it will bring. I challenge you all to do the same!

She forgot her Gucci flip flops but time is on her side 😤

Posted in lost, peace, youth

Lets Get Lost

Posted on by tjoroski

Have you ever stared out into the ocean, like wayyyy out onto the horizon and thought, “what the f*ck is out there?”…probably more ocean lol but it feels and looks so mysterious. Like if I was lost at sea for an hour, that would be ok ya know?

Getting lost can be amazing (or a nightmare), but these days between SCOTUS starring in Black Mirror and MGK + Megan Fox running the world, getting lost kinda sounds nice…bc it would hopefully be anywhere but here right?

Sometimes I get lost in thought, which can SUCK if it has anything to do with my work, school applications (yes I did apply omg post on that later), or my spending tendencie$. BUT sometimes its cool and I don’t even realize it until it’s over. Im writing this blog post on getting lost in thoughts or moments, bc with every headline or deadline, I find myself LONGING for literally any kind of positive distraction. Sh*t, sometimes Ill be doing the damn dishes for 20 minutes thinking about how Selena Gomez has been a low-key star just doing her thing not annoying anybody vs Britney who has all her concerning Instagram dance videos (don’t come for me). When I’m done with the dishes I think “oh that was nice! Time to stress out about literally everything! What else can I clean???????”

Just yesterday I was looking for seashells. Searching for colors, shapes, bit and pieces etc. It was so fun, I felt like a kid with no responsibility or demands. Literally just feeling like all I had to do was focus on finding shells. It was honestly therapeutic. I didn’t think about work, school, money, not even lunch lol. When I got out of the water, I felt a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the fact that I could even get so distracted.

Connecting to our ramblings and distractions and finding peace in them, is a gift tbh. So next time that you get lost in your thoughts or small actions, whether it be cleaning the shower and singing to Dua Lipa or walking in the forest somewhere listening to bird calls and insects, make sure to say thank you. Say thanks to you, for your ability to think about random sh*t.

Cock on the beach