In between outgrowing what I knew and where I’m going.
Realizing that being at war with yourself is a fight that can’t be won.
Understanding that relationships deepen but get more complicated as we age.
28 is making peace with what I don’t know. Accepting that the price of my new self is my old self.
You can’t outgrow what you don’t let go of.
I’m not in the bittersweet wanderlust of my early to mid twenties, yet not quite made it to the fresh start of my thirties.
Praying the world gives us the grace to grow.
Some of us are drinkin, smokin, getting high. Some hanging on by a thread seeking light and strength wherever we can find it. Some buying houses, having babies, getting married. Others on a lonely adventure exploring life’s unpredictability.
28 is being stained by what we have uncovered about ourselves and the reality of our world… but continuing to soldier on. Doing it scared. Taking risks to keep moving because we either swim or die.
28 is having discovered what we don’t like.
It’s about knowing more about our morals and what we stand on more than ever before.
It’s having just a little more clarity about life than we did when we were 26.
We made it past the 27 club.
28 is great because the world takes us slightly more seriously. We’re not “babies” but we’re not old enough to have the answers.
28 is like being the oldest sibling. People look to you as if you’re gonna know what to do, and we fake it as if we do.
28 is my favorite year of life. Not because I have more wisdom inside me and certain failures behind me.
I love it because with this little bit of life I know, I actually believe in something. I have achieved enough, lived long enough and worked hard enough to finally believe in myself.
I wonder what 29 will bring.
xoxo,
T
“Are you a hot person feeling down and depressed?”
Change. Is it the jingly jangly shit in my pocket? Is it the random time between Winter and Spring? Or perhaps change is when I switch up my workout routine, get a 0.000001% raise or try a vegetarian diet for 3.25 months. I’ve written about change before and how accepting it has historically been challenging for me. That was a few years ago. Now, after I’ve undergone the most change I’ve experienced in life, here’s what I have to say: CHANGE CAN BE A CHOICE (if we choose it back).
Still with me? I’ll explain. It’s been some time since I have written a creative piece such as this. That’s because I spent the last *however many months* riding the f*cking tidal wave of life and my surfboard was a really sturdy toothpick. We all know this wave quite intimately, and when the wave crashes on the shore, the change hits. It can be incredible, amazing, “just-what-I-needed” redirecting change. Or perhaps it’s awful, life-altering, destructible change. Hell, it could be small but just as impactful as a fender bender or catching a bad flu that uses the only sick time you have left. Either way change is change but it is a choice and here’s why. We either change with it, or we don’t. When we choose to surf, we ~become~ the change (imagine the Smucker’s Goober PB and Jelly swirl spread). The change then becomes agreeable even when it’s awful because we adapt to it. When we embrace it or accept it (maybe after some time), the change becomes our new normal, our new life. Don’t get me wrong, in my experience, embracing change is the dumbest thing to be told. I hate hearing it. Even if I know logically that this annoying statement also doubles as a golden rule, (especially since we often wouldn’t know positive redirection if it slapped us in the face with a spatula) I still make a weird face when I hear it or see it.
These past 6-8 months have changed my perspective on change and how EmBrAcInG iT or whatever might actually benefit me?? That is because I knew change was coming (which didn’t feel like a choice), I refused to believe it or change with it for a little while, but when I realized that I was choosing to suffer, I took a step back and thought about it a little harder. After some emotional *adjusting* :’) I thought “hmm, maybe if I take it upon myself to move with the current, I might not drown.” Andddddddd that’s what I did. I began to shift my view of the world to what was within my realm of control: my thoughts, how I process my emotions and what I choose to do or not do (shoutout Mel Robbins Author of the Let Them Theory–groundbreaking book). Understanding what I could control HELPED me exponentially in understanding my choices when change arrives at my doorstep. I was able to relinquish control of the thoughts and fears that were holding me back. I wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t linear and it is still an ongoing journey, but it permanently altered my brain chemistry for the better.
Maybe all this makes sense, maybe it doesn’t. What I do know is this– change comes in all different shapes, sizes, colors, smells, vibes…and it’s going to happen whether we like it or not. It is then within OUR realm of power to release what we’re trying to control and move with the change, not against it. WAYYYY easier said than done, I know. BUT! Friends, my challenge to you is this: next time you are experiencing change of any kind–bear in mind what might help you so that you don’t keep getting in your own way. Recognize what you can change and what you can’t, don’t give your power away to a situation you have no power over and then take it back for yourself. THAT is how you surf. It’s not about being okay with all the change or the situation, it’s about self preservation so you can rise again, stronger than ever before.
xoxo,
Trin 💖
“Tell me to embrace change one more f*cking time I’m gonna lose my sh*t”
Sitting with it sucks. It’s confusing, it can hurt and it can be daunting. Sometimes it’s funny or lighthearted, maybe even a little ridiculous. Feelings sometimes run away from you and you seem to be overthinking while chasing them down forever. They’re stubborn and annoying, especially when everyone says you just have to “feel them.” Maybe I don’t want to feel my feelings today, does what mean I have to feel them tomorrow?
I’ve heard people say that feelings are like a guide, aggressively cutting away at the thick jungle brush as they seemingly know the way through, even though it all looks the same to you. This guide is supposedly going to show you to the open field where all the answers are waiting to reveal themselves to you. Yet, the more I walk, run or sit with my feelings, the farther away clarity seems to be.
That’s why my best friend and my greatest enemy are the same thing: time. With time (again as these mystery people say), all wounds heal. All things move forward and life goes on. It is with time that the field full of answers starts to bloom and you see what is meant for you to see. I find that this is the hardest part, waiting for time to do its damn job while I sit with my feelings. This is where the discomfort and discouragement creeps in. It is at this pivotal point where I have to remember that time is on my side, and that she only wants to help.
My other friend hope, visits me too. While I sit with my feelings, she tries to push me over this hill that I have decided to sit and stay atop of. As time goes on and the sitting happens and hope intervenes, it slowly gets better. I try to accept that I don’t always know what to do with my feelings either, like maybe that voice in my head barking orders like a broken record isn’t always right. Sometimes the best way to sit with your thoughts and feelings isn’t sitting at all. Perhaps the best way to follow that overgrown path through the jungle is to get up, put on your hiking boots and start cutting away at the thick brush too—trusting that no matter how overgrown the jungle might be, the clearing will always be there.
Real look at what the inside of my brain looks like.
I want to be a little bit of everything and I want to do a little bit of everything kind of like an everything bagel.
Everything bagels are just right. They’re salty, doughy, have just the right amount of herb and are absolutely perfect toasted with some cream cheese.
I often get to a point towards the end of my day, where I wish I had more energy and more time to just do that little bit extra that I promised myself. Whether it’s go to my dance class, yoga, write a blog post, get that drink with a friend, or make myself actual dinner?? For some It might be that extra few minutes playing with their kid or taking the dog for a longer walk than just around the corner to “go potty baby!”
It’s the guilt for me. I feel like on some days I’m super woman and can wake up at 5 AM to go to the gym and work all day before cooking an incredible meal and prepping everything for the next day. but then that’s it lol. The Rest of the week I drag my ass out of bed to go to work so I can afford that mediocre gym membership and then by the time I get home I just want to sit on my ass!
So how does one become an everything bagel? In other words, how do I do everything I intend to do? This can be tricky because on one hand, you don’t want to break commitments or promises that you make to yourself. Would you break a promise to a good friend? No. Having goals and committing to them are an essential part of self-care. Letting yourself down is just as bad if not worse than letting down someone you care about. But on the other hand, listening to your body is of the utmost importance. Communicating with yourself in regards to what you need in those moments is also an essential part of self-care.
For example, today I told myself I would go to my cardio dance class which I love (and pay for). I signed up and had a spot reserved, but work was insanely busy today as we were short staffed and I was on my feet nonstop. Towards the end of my shift, I felt torn between making myself go to a work out that I wanted to experience versus going home to rest for a second day in a row. I decided to go home and I was in fact, bummed out. But the moment I got home, I collapsed on the couch with my dog and was so glad I made that choice because now my body can get the rest it needs to have a good workday tomorrow (being tired at work is the worst thing ever and it makes me so mad).
It’s also important to remember that everything doesn’t have to occur all at once. Things can be rearranged, schedules can be shifted, and nothing has to be according to a perfect timeline. This timeline is something we often create in our heads, and we tell ourselves that unless we do things that very same day, we aren’t worthy of rest.
As a very type A, organized, Little Miss ‘Plans out everything’ kinda gal, it can be hard for me to change plans because mentally I like to stick to my original plan. But if there’s any important lesson I learned in all of this, there’s nothing more important than prioritizing your rest and recovery and listening to your body. We won’t be able to accomplish anything if we sacrifice how we’re feeling physically when we know it isn’t the right time to push harder. Sometimes telling ourselves to turn it down is 10 times harder than telling ourselves to turn the dial up.
So how in the hell does this help me become an everything bagel? Well being an everything bagel is just that. I learn to balance not just my activities but also my rest and I recognize that prioritizing my rest and recovery is a huge part of why I can do activities to begin with. I guess to do everything, sometimes we have to do nothing.
So friends– eat the bagel, watch your TV show and remember to be kind to yourself.
xoxoxo,
Trinity ❤
Anyone want a bite of my vegan, gluten free, cruelty free, hypoallergenic, ecofriendly, preservative free, non-GMO, guilt free cupcake??
You know that physical feeling you get when you “ace” a test? When you thought you got at LEAST a D+ and by the literal grace of God you somehow managed a B-???? It’s a physical feeling of relief when you suddenly don’t feel like holding your breath or balling your eyes out. WELL thats how I’ve been feeling lately because I did it again….GOT A NEW JOB. But this time is different, you know why? Because I feel like I aced my test. I physically feel like my muscles are relaxed and my lungs can fill with air.
I have worked many jobs over the last 5 years. Pretty much all healthcare (except for a minor stint at a karaoke bar LOL), wearing many hats and discovering the raw truth behind toxic work dynamics and systemic hierarchical bullsh*t. It has taken many years of fighting the good fight trying to manifest my dEsTiny or whatever working 9-5 for the mAn or some sh*t. AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS: with each additional row of “experience” added to my resume I have learned some things and also learned to recognize that feeling of when something is just…right.
As a 27 year old woman, wisdom is something I have been learning the hard way through the many ups and downs of young adulthood. There are a handful of takeaways that I can say changed the way I carry myself through the world, many of which have come from my experiences in the workplace. If you’re still reading then I love you and here is my list:
SPEAK UP. Very important rule here. If you let them, they will walk all over you. Them being managers, coworkers AND patrons (i.e customers, patients etc).
DON’T make yourself smaller to make others feel comfortable. People will want you to tone down who you are in order to cater to their feelings. If you ever feel this energy from the people you work with or are around everyday, that place is not for you. If you can, LEAVE…..
…..so that you DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. Time is the most precious thing we have in this world and it is priceless and irreplaceable. That job and those people will replace you in a heartbeat, don’t be fooled.
DON’T BE SO QUICK TO TRUST. Many times it will seem safe. It will seem nice and the water might be warm, but always stay on guard until proven otherwise. People wear disguises all the time and try to be someone they are not. Do not fall for these tricks. Use your better judgment before bringing all your walls down regardless of how much “camaraderie” there may seem to be.
Lastly, NEVER FORGET YOUR VALUE. You are bringing something important to this job or this environment. You were hired for a reason and you are skilled. Never let a job convince you that you are worth less. Ever.
As you can tell, my skin has become a little thicker these days from all the bullsh*t, but I am grateful for what I know now. You learn to appreciate the moments that do feel right. For example, personally, I know something feels right for me physically because my body has a reaction. I sometimes want to cry. I know that sounds corny and weird maybe but it means I feel relieved. Or there are times when I can actually see past my stress and anxieties to take in my surroundings for once like the storm has passed and I can see things make sense. I can actually smell the roses and appreciate the sun on my face or the leftover pizza I brought for lunch. Anyways, you get the picture.
So to this I say cheers friends and good luck. May your gut guide you! I hope wherever you are, it feels just..well.. right!?
Life is like the ocean. It ebs and flows. It can be treacherous and unforgiving. You don’t always know what is lurking beneath you —the power of the sea is unmatched. Sometimes you might struggle to stay above water as you fight the current. You can see where you put your towel and snacks down but with each breath it seems to be traveling farther and farther away.
The ocean can be cold and dark or bright blue and warm like a bathtub. Perhaps it’s a stormy, windy, salty day or maybe there’s not a cloud in sight and you find some really cool shells. The ocean is unpredictable.
The saltwater can dry you out, make you tired and thirsty. The sand can be hot and grainy or sometimes soft and comforting. It just depends.
Much like life, in the ocean you have no control. That’s the beauty of it. You can immerse yourself and see the how incredible it can be or perhaps how dangerous.
There’s no fighting it either, better to let the waves carry you while you float. Notice the sea foam, the shimmer under the water when the light hits the surface. Or feel the sand between your toes and think about how awesome it is that you get to be there, in the ocean. The bittersweet, giant mystery of the sea.
Beyond the Sea
I spent a lot of time in the sea over the last few weeks. At first, I walked in slowly, unsure about the temperature and feeling of the Baja sand under my feet (it was a little rougher). Then I realized the ocean was warm and the sand got softer. It was also sunset on this first day that I went for a swim. I jumped in and came up with a smile and need for air. It was spectacular. I felt alive and free in the vast ocean. It felt like nothing could get to me yet at any moment I could be an evening snack for a shark or something. It made me feel small, in a good way. Like the Earth was so big with so many possibilities and I was so little-just this little human bouncing around in the water. To the ocean, I am nothing—but to me, the ocean felt like everything.
The color of the ocean in Mexico is blue to match the sky, it looks crystal clear, like jewels or hard candy. Very very salty. I love salt. I love it on my margaritas and I love the sea salt in my hair. I didn’t mind at all. Initially I tried to fight the current, keep my body directly in front of my little home base on the beach. But it was tough, really tough. I felt absolutely powerless and kind of dumb trying to pretend like I could fight the current. So eventually I let go, and that’s when I felt inspired to write. That’s when I felt like I was learning a valuable lesson in life—from the ocean. She was teaching me not to fight the current and to let go. The places you’ll end up may surprise you, she said.
So finally after floating for awhile, unafraid and quite comfortable actually, I got up and walked on the sand back to base, sat down and watched the grapefruit sun go down into the water.
Embracing change can feel like hugging a cactus. Or perhaps it’s similar to taking cherry flavored cough syrup—it’s awful tasting, but you know you need it and that eventually it’ll make you feel better.
Embracing change is one of those things that we essentially have no say in. So quite literally we either embrace it or make things entirely more difficult by avoiding it.
Historically, I have been terrible at embracing change. I am usually afraid of the future and what I can’t control, it’s something I’ve been grappling with my whole life. When change happens I’m not always ready for it and I’m don’t always handle it well. However, when the storm passes and the change is simply ~happening~ to me…. I find that I’m actually, truly okay. Like the fear of it was wayyyy worse than the change itself.
I feel like I am not alone in this either. I think we can all agree it’s reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly difficult to understand that change is actually happening for the betterment of our own futures (or something wise like that idk). Change also manifests different for everyone. It hurts different, hits different, heals different for every single human. No two paths are alike.
Sometimes we forget that we ALL go through it, like we fail to realize we’re all navigating this chaos at the same time!!! I have many friends right now, all in their twenties and early thirties still scratching their heads asking “what went wrong here? How long until this is resolved? When will I feel better? Is it my fault?” The answer is WHO FUC*IN KNOWS. A wise man once said, “time will tell us everything we need to know.” That line has never been more true and encompasses every aspect of the struggle—the reality is there is no quick fix and change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a matter of l-e-t-t-i-n-g it happen naturally. You can’t force it, like a fart- if you force it, it’s probably shit (saw this on a magnet somewhere).
So friends, to all this I say— try your hardest to be like the ocean and move with the waves. Let your self be carried by the water into the good vibes ahead. No sense in fighting the current because you’ll just be struggling to keep your head above water. Remember to take those deep breaths, lean on your loved ones, eat that bagel, do that workout and watch that episode. Take care of yourselves and love yourself through it, that’s the only way.
My families dog- Jazzy💖 05/2011-10/3/2023. May she reign in doggy heaven forever ✨🐶🕊🤍 R.I.P
Have you ever caught a glimpse of your own reflection and it made you stop and think for a sec? Maybe you thought, “wow I look great!” or “wow I look like sh*t” or maybe “man wtf am I doing??”… because I have. In fact it happened today as I was walking the dog in the rain.
I caught a glimpse of myself and it made me stop and stare. And I liked what I saw. I saw a girl trying to grow. Trying her best to grow and just let go. Let go of all things past, all things negative, all things that take away from my life. In this fall season that is my theme. I intend to release myself of old expectations and pain that has only held me back for ages. Kind of like a reptile or a invertebrate (ew thats the bio major talking lmao) I want to shed my old skin. To step out of that shell and feel new again.
I love fall because its a refresh, it brings to cooler weather and the rain. The leaves fall and the wind picks up. The colors are gorgeous and the vibes are unmatched. Its almost like new air from somewhere else has made its way here. All the way to me.
It helps with letting go–the fall season I mean. I guess its fair to say that I am changing as the seasons do. I am learning to feel myself again, unlearn bad habits and trust the way forward. Its not easy, definitely spooky, and a little bit rough. YET it doesnt have to be perfect or linear (nothing ever is), the only requirement is forward momentum.
Letting go of anything is a mother*cking art form. Its extremely uncomfortable and feels like when you have to set a bone after it breaks in a really awkward way. I am currently in the process of leaving behind some heavy, heavy emotions. Emotions and feelings that have run my life and have made my life exponentially harder than it needs to be. It has been hard to take chances, trust, explore, and just have a clear mind. I haven’t had a clear mind with no chitter chatter in the background in YEARS. I’ve been telling myself to shutup when what I really want is to tell myself is to “LET IT OUT B*TCH.”
Finding peace is honestly what we all want. Love and money would be nice yes, but just having peace to exist without so much DRAMA or anxiousness, doubt or FEAR!? Yeah that would be f*cking great. So that is my current mission this fall season. Finding peace by letting go of ALL OF IT.
So cheers friends, I encourage you to find your mission this season, keep the promises you make to yourself and never forget if it doesnt work today, there’s always tomorrow.
This is arguably by far the hardest, most challenging, uprooting, beautiful, heavy and confusing year of my life. I can say with UTTER and complete confidence that I have no f*cking idea what is going on. I am 26. Just 26 years young and 100% agree with the idea that your twenties are a hot train wreck from hell. There are so many silver linings and miracles within our youth. I have been blessed to the nines with some of the people I have met and the places I have been, yet there is this counter balance. This weight that is wrapped around your ankles, pulling you down. I am in this crazy space where I am free yet so stuck. Like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long that I just keep running. Sweating, out of breath, thirsty, in pain.
This year my heart broke. This year my car broke (literally got into my second accident totaling my car once again). This year I went to Europe and fell in love with a new city. This year I got lost and not a single google maps search could save me from not knowing where my future lies. This year I realized my past stole from me— my money, my time and my love.
I am going to be 27 in November and Im f*cking terrified. Who will I meet? Where will I go? Can I afford to go there? Will my heart become whole again? Will I finally stop crying?? (LOL never). I just have no clue which way is up these days. I don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong. Ive never been so unsure in my entire life.
But you know what—I’m here. I’m here to find out. Everyday is the exact same but different. Everyday I wake up, anything can happen. I could run into 50 cent at the grocery store. I could win a cereal box sweepstakes. Maybe someone will discover me and I’ll become a famous blogger. Quite literally the world is my OYSTER (and I like oysters). So yes, I have been on the ride of my damn life, doing my best to stay positive and “keep my head up.” UGH can we be more original please!?
SO many questions, unanswered. ZERO sense of direction. No comprehension -anymore- of what I wanna be when I grow up. Sometimes I feel like I’m even going backwards and everyone else is moving forward past me. AND I KNOW how this sounds. This is literally my thoughts, my brain IS this blog. I write to stay alive. I write to feel strong. To connect, to stay grounded in something when everything else is just non existent or falling apart. And to be clear, this isn’t an invitation for sympathy. This is my platform to be me and all are welcome here. Plus I KNOW you people have shit you’re going through. We ALL do for f*cks sake.
With that being said though, I’m here. Im a person, a human. I write love letters to you and to myself with this blog. You’re not alone on this sinking ship. Lets keep bailing water out of this b*tch before *insert tasteless joke about millionaires and the deep sea*
SO, what do you do when you’re craving lemonade but life gives you prune juice? Or when the universe chews you up and spits you out in a direction you NEVER saw coming? You read this blog thats what you do LOL JK real talk though, we’re gonna work through it together because the obvious answer is “i dont know either.”
If you have read my blog posts in the past, you might gather that I have been a “5 year plan type of gal” who is now realizing she’s an “Im not sure what is happening this afternoon” type of girl. I have been working through the idea that everything I thought I was going to be doing is honestly not at all what I actually like doing lol. I got rejected from PA school and realized that dream was not a dream at all, but a safe idea. NOW we’re halfway through school to get my EMT certification, trying to find remote work, writing my blog posts and trying so hard to find an online side hustle (which seems so freakin easy on social media but is definitely harder than it looks!!).
Not to mention, some of my relationships are sailing through the storm right now so naturally a quarter life career crisis continues to be wildly appropriate.
Here’s the thing: life is already a b*tch. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally…..its like running a marathon without any water stations and you have to go to the bathroom really bad but still have 11.5 miles to go.
I am realizing that what I thought I wanted to be and wanted to do, was something I was *trying* to love. It wasn’t coming naturally. None of it. I thought that because it is what I have known and what I have been good at, that I should continue to pursue it (“it” being higher education in healthcare to be a provider). Even in my day to day as a medical assistant, I keep trying to sell myself the idea that healthcare is my home. I do like it and would like to find my niche, but what if my niche is something entirely different? It can also be hard because there are people around me and in my life that have found their niche. I feel happy for them but can’t help thinking….when will I find my passion? What does it look like? Where will it take me? Will it keep me financially secure? Will I love it???
When it comes to work, I have traded A LOT of my time for money, I have worked MANY jobs and given MANY MANY hours of my life to my employers. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful and have had good opportunity, but at this time, I want more. I want to be successful and happy without losing myself in my job and that can be a really hard thing to do when you have bills to pay and need to survive. To find a passion and a niche where I can make money AND keep my mental health out of the toilet is a D R E A M✨
So, pivoting away from a specific job and a future that will provide job security, money and stability for the sake of being happy and finding something really worth my time and energy is…….F*CKING TERRIFYING. Not to mention, this idea that we don’t have to do everything the boomers did, is still new. There are so many options for work, money, success etc. Its all evolving and I am trying to keep up while maintaining practicality and a budget lol.
In true CoffeeShopVibes fashion, I say this: if you are in this space where you have literally no idea which way the wind is gonna blow but your sails are up, then we should be friends because we’re on the same boat. The boat may have some duct tape covering the holes because thats all we can afford right now but she’s still floating.
ANYWAYS Happy Summer friends, I hope its going well and although the planet is dying and everything is a mess, let’s remember to give thanks to the good days and good vibes 🌼🌞
CoffeeShopVibes 