My coffee tastes gross. Not enough creamer… too much water? Maybe this half-calf mushroom infused brew wasn’t the best idea, but I love the concept…so I’ll roll with it. Even though I’m not a huge fan, I love it. I love having coffee..even bad coffee. I love drinking bad coffee at work mid morning on a Thursday. I love it because of one reason: I can. I can have it. I can hate it. I have the opportunity to drink bad coffee on a Thursday at my wild job that pays me. That paycheck gives me my home, my food, my clothes. My home gives me space to exist imperfectly as I am.
We had a patient come into the clinic recently with quite an extraordinarily sad story. He had just recently lost his adult daughter to a sudden death and he lost his wife 18 months prior. I don’t tell you this to feel sorry, it is indeed horrific so empathy is natural. I am recalling this information for my blog because we as humans are often so caught up in the noise of our lives, we forget the reality of our human condition: we are human. Complex, ridiculous, silly, lovable, sometimes hate-able, ungrateful, wise, excitable, messy, beautiful people. One of the particular privileges of working in medicine is bearing witness to the human condition in a very vulnerable way. Most often, patients don’t want to be patients. So relinquishing control and allowing healthcare professionals to help is a special, intimate part of the medical world. When this intimacy unfolds, I often find one thing happens across the board– people just want to be heard and they just want to feel safe. So when I hear stories from folks similar to that of my patient, I am immediately humbled. It’s a challenge not to feel shameful or guilty for having anxieties, fears, or doubts about trivial aspects of life. A very large part of why I love my work in medicine is because I receive a daily invitation to remember my humility and the value of surrender.
Surrender has been a very large theme in my life as of late. I am learning quite a bit about being a sponge and absorbing the soapy crusty bits and pieces that life has to offer me. My patients are often in their 70s, 80s, 90s and even 100s!! I can’t help but pick their experienced brains and ask for advice. I often hear a lot of the same answers.
“Smile often. Just try to make the most of it.”
“Don’t ever take anything too serious!”
“You only get one life.”
“Eat chocolate. Drink wine. That’s how I made it to 105.”
“I’ll move until I can’t move anymore!”
“Don’t try to win ’em. There’s no point” (reference to arguing or picking battles)
“Just have fun.”
“We’re not perfect. Don’t try to be.”
Each encounter is a love letter. A gentle reminder that life is fluid, with a shit ton of ups and downs. When I hear stories that make me sad, it’s a harsh reminder that life is also short and fragile. It’s been an odd road–that of recognizing that all we’re guaranteed is the present moment. However, I am grateful. Grateful that I can recognize this. Grateful for the sweet sensation of surrender and the freedom that comes from not swimming upstream.
It’s not easy though. I’m still learning. There is also privilege in outwardly acknowledging surrender when something horrible isn’t happening, that is not lost on me. Especially in today’s climate where many of us are fighting for survival and surrender doesn’t even feel like an option.
When I think of surrender, I think of a complex river. There have been many times where I have been like a boulder in the middle, heavy and holding on for dear life. I feel like I just discovered a secret that somehow everyone else knew and I am just finding out. Like knowing to surrender and be present was a gift everyone received except me because I was absent that day. Practicing gratitude is a big part of what I try to practice on a daily basis, but I found out that it is a lot harder to receive if you can’t surrender and trust that things will be what they will be. It’s also important to note that there is wisdom in not trying to make something be what it simply isn’t.
So friends, my challenge to you is this. Find the good in your day today and take a small moment for gratitude—be grateful for your lame sandwich at lunch, the coffee that went cold, your mismatched socks, the ants in your kitchen, rain in the sky, the greeting from your pet, the book you are “almost finished with”… the list goes on. Human experience gives us good days and bad days. Both are real and exist, but it’s the bad days that remind us why the good days are good.
Xoxo,
Trinity
Look mom a RAINBOW!!!!! 🌈✨
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