being – CoffeeShopVibes

My coffee tastes gross. Not enough creamer… too much water? Maybe this half-calf mushroom infused brew wasn’t the best idea, but I love the concept…so I’ll roll with it. Even though I’m not a huge fan, I love it. I love having coffee..even bad coffee. I love drinking bad coffee at work mid morning on a Thursday. I love it because of one reason: I can. I can have it. I can hate it. I have the opportunity to drink bad coffee on a Thursday at my wild job that pays me. That paycheck gives me my home, my food, my clothes. My home gives me space to exist imperfectly as I am.

We had a patient come into the clinic recently with quite an extraordinarily sad story. He had just recently lost his adult daughter to a sudden death and he lost his wife 18 months prior. I don’t tell you this to feel sorry, it is indeed horrific so empathy is natural. I am recalling this information for my blog because we as humans are often so caught up in the noise of our lives, we forget the reality of our human condition: we are human. Complex, ridiculous, silly, lovable, sometimes hate-able, ungrateful, wise, excitable, messy, beautiful people. One of the particular privileges of working in medicine is bearing witness to the human condition in a very vulnerable way. Most often, patients don’t want to be patients. So relinquishing control and allowing healthcare professionals to help is a special, intimate part of the medical world. When this intimacy unfolds, I often find one thing happens across the board– people just want to be heard and they just want to feel safe. So when I hear stories from folks similar to that of my patient, I am immediately humbled. It’s a challenge not to feel shameful or guilty for having anxieties, fears, or doubts about trivial aspects of life. A very large part of why I love my work in medicine is because I receive a daily invitation to remember my humility and the value of surrender.

Surrender has been a very large theme in my life as of late. I am learning quite a bit about being a sponge and absorbing the soapy crusty bits and pieces that life has to offer me. My patients are often in their 70s, 80s, 90s and even 100s!! I can’t help but pick their experienced brains and ask for advice. I often hear a lot of the same answers.

“Smile often. Just try to make the most of it.”

“Don’t ever take anything too serious!”

“You only get one life.”

“Eat chocolate. Drink wine. That’s how I made it to 105.”

“I’ll move until I can’t move anymore!”

“Don’t try to win ’em. There’s no point” (reference to arguing or picking battles)

“Just have fun.”

“We’re not perfect. Don’t try to be.”

Each encounter is a love letter. A gentle reminder that life is fluid, with a shit ton of ups and downs. When I hear stories that make me sad, it’s a harsh reminder that life is also short and fragile. It’s been an odd road–that of recognizing that all we’re guaranteed is the present moment. However, I am grateful. Grateful that I can recognize this. Grateful for the sweet sensation of surrender and the freedom that comes from not swimming upstream.

It’s not easy though. I’m still learning. There is also privilege in outwardly acknowledging surrender when something horrible isn’t happening, that is not lost on me. Especially in today’s climate where many of us are fighting for survival and surrender doesn’t even feel like an option.

When I think of surrender, I think of a complex river. There have been many times where I have been like a boulder in the middle, heavy and holding on for dear life. I feel like I just discovered a secret that somehow everyone else knew and I am just finding out. Like knowing to surrender and be present was a gift everyone received except me because I was absent that day. Practicing gratitude is a big part of what I try to practice on a daily basis, but I found out that it is a lot harder to receive if you can’t surrender and trust that things will be what they will be. It’s also important to note that there is wisdom in not trying to make something be what it simply isn’t.

So friends, my challenge to you is this. Find the good in your day today and take a small moment for gratitude—be grateful for your lame sandwich at lunch, the coffee that went cold, your mismatched socks, the ants in your kitchen, rain in the sky, the greeting from your pet, the book you are “almost finished with”… the list goes on. Human experience gives us good days and bad days. Both are real and exist, but it’s the bad days that remind us why the good days are good.

Xoxo,

Trinity

Look mom a RAINBOW!!!!! 🌈✨

Have you ever been somewhere….alone? (Like also with your dog and lots of people around?). Well I have.

For the first time I went on a solo trip. Just me, my bestie MJ and the Oregon coast.

I’m currently in a new season of life where I spend a great deal of time alone learning about myself. In this most recent episode, I took it upon myself to pack up the car and take my pup on an adventure for just us. It was eye opening. I didn’t realize how much I talk to myself, like holy sh*t. I really talk my own ear off BUT it’s all in the name of cultivating a greater sense of self. I rented a small beachfront room through Airbnb and had the opportunity to read, write, eat, watch TV and rest. It was actually a much better experience than I thought it would be.

There have been significant changes in my life lately and it took quite a bit of strength to push myself to take the 3 hour drive out to the coast. A part of me wanted to stay wrapped up in the Trader Joes Apple scented candle comfort of my one bedroom apartment, but I knew deep down that taking the time to invest in myself through a new experience, would be significantly more beneficial. One thing I found interesting while away, was how fascinating it can be to sit with your thoughts when you don’t have anything to really do or stress about. My mind went from “Wow it’s like so warm and foggy at the same time. That’s weird.” to “Sh*t, I’m really learning how to be alone and navigate my emotions.” Sometimes I’d find myself hyper fixated on the seagulls on the sand and how much my dog wished more than anything she could eat one. Other times it would be more along the lines of how my attachment style has affected the relationships in my life. I was having an endless conversation with me, myself and I.

I appreciated the chance to engage with the thoughts I had when I wasn’t worried about work, laundry, or waking up early the next day. There really is a big difference between being at home with your to-do list versus on a beautiful beach—where your to-do list is simply to ‘just be’. My favorite part of the trip was exploring a new place on my own terms. I could wake up and take my time, get my coffee, cuddle my dog and give all the energy I had— to myself. My least favorite part of the trip was confronting moments when I genuinely felt alone. This was a new feeling for me and it was kinda rough, kinda how the ocean can be, rough but beautiful too.

My biggest takeaway from this trip was that I now know I can really do something like this and be *chill*

By *chill* I mean calm, stable, okay, and just fine. I can travel solo and navigate a myriad of changes in life and come through to the other side. Sure, I might cry a few (hundred) times, but at the end of the day I can pick myself up and recognize my own strength. I don’t need someone else to remind me of my capabilities because I have proven to myself I am already capable of being independent, creative, talented etc. Hell, I didn’t know I would make a new best friend on this trip and I sure as hell didn’t know it would be me lol.

So, allllllllllll that being said I would 10/10 recommend a solo-dolo trip into whatever random environment or wilderness makes you happy or wherever you feel solitude and contentment might find you. For me, I decided on a beautiful quaint beach town with a single sensor activated street lamp and an espresso drive through. In any case, I am grateful for the time I had to focus on just “being” rather than “doing.” I encourage you to try it too. Who knows you might come to love talking to yourself just as much as I do ❤

XOXO,

Trin

P.S.

Some tips I found would have been helpful:

-Bring some late night snacks or candy for when you stay up late alone and don’t want to brave the one overpriced market at 1130pm with your pepper spray in one hand and dog leash in the other.

-Don’t bring projects to work on unless you commit. Might get side tracked and watch the new Netflix thriller series instead.

-Pack your face wash the night before you leave so you don’t have to use the Airbnb bar soap as cleanser at midnight once you realize you forgot the essentials.

-Give yourself permission to buy the overpriced hoodie at the local surf shop to commemorate such an important time.

“MOM LOOK DID YOU SEE THAT. IT WAS A BIG SQUIRREL I SWEAR”

Tag: being

The River or The Rock

solo-dolo