I have never ever felt more āuntethered,ā lost, unbound, unwound or weirded out in my whole 26 year old mfāing LIFE. But itās ok! And Iāll explain lol.
The ONLY tangible shit keeping me afloat is the fact that SZA is going on tour in March and I MIGHT BE ABLE TO AFFORD IT? IDK remains to be seen. ANYWAYS, people its time to post some thoughts as this INSANE and wild year of 2022 is finally at its close.
A close friend of mine asked me, āhow would you describe your year in a few words.ā THAT is a F************cking QUESTION! Hereās what I said: complex, confusing, challenging and bittersweet.
Not exactly a chipper description. However, its just honest. I had some killer good times and incredible highlights truly. Going places IāllĀ never forget and living unforgettable moments. SO with that, letās start with what we learned this year (āweā being me and my good friend anxiety).Ā
This year I learned more than anything: HUMILITY AND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE MORE HUMBLE. This statement is crucial to personal growth because sometimes you have a plan and then life saysĀ f*ck YOU i donāt think so! and then youāre slapped in the face with redirecting and reevaluating your life (as my wise old man would say). Having gone through MANY ups and downs, career changes and jobs this year on top of PA school rejections, has truly made me stop and smell the āØnew pathway to idk whereāØIn all seriousness, I learned the importance of: being okay with TAKING AN L (for those of you who donāt relate to this slang it simply means ābeing ok with taking a lossā such as not achieving your dreams or something lol). āš¼
NEXT UP: HOW TO HUSTLE FOR MY GAWDDAMN MONEY. This one is near and dear to my heart (far from my wallet) because this is the big year that I not only came off moms tit (and her kush insurance plan) BUT was so in between jobs that I had to hustle and grind just to keep myself afloat in more ways than one.Ā I worked to discover local resources, side hustles and budgeting tactics.Ā Delivery driving, donating plasma and working part time at a karaoke bar wasnāt glamorous but it kept my ass wiped and I had food on the table. THAT BEING SAID: this next year is all about struggling less. However, there is beauty in the struggle. I learned a lot about how to survive and take care of sh*t.Ā
FINALLY: I leaned into my strengths. I tried new things (hip hop dance specifically, I still royaly suck at cooking) and gained confidence. I worked to better myself and find out more about what I want and deserve. Quite honestly folks, sometimes just seeing some growth in yourself such as this is enough to feel proud of yourself. NEVER FORGET to recognize your growth and achievements no matter how small you think they are. We are always evolving and thus far i think that is literally the key to life.
SO NOW we get to the good shitšš½WTF are my resolutions or whatever???
In truth, Iām very proud as they are really realistic and tangible things. When making your resolution list (if you are someone who does this whether its written or mentally noted), MAKE 100% SURE they are things you can realistically accomplish. My blog was on my list for 2022 and check it out YOU are reading MY words! š¤Ŗ
Here are 5 real items from my list that I chose after reflecting on my year:
1 Get my EMT certification
2 take a self defense class
3 start my Spanish classes
4 learn to not lash out when struggling emotionally
5 start new creative project
Now this isnāt my full list, some of the other sh*t is aligned with emotional & spiritual growth but hereās the thing. Taking hold of tangible goals and working to bring them to fruition will allow you to grow naturally. As we overcome obstacles and do things, we create space for learning and growth (as I discuss in previous posts), 2022 has confirmed this for me more than any other year of life. DO NOT GIVE UP. Yes, its corny but our goals, strengths, ideas, and gifts give us purpose for each year, each day and each moment. We are here and we are now. Our goals and resolutions, our tomorrowā¦.it all matters, regardless of how f*cking dumb the world is acting (throwback moment to the Will Smith bitchslap making national news only to be followed by the Roe v Wade global DISASTERā¦.you KNOW i could pull a million trillion other examplesš).
In closing, I want to say THANK YOUš Thank you for my readers, my supporters and my listeners. Yāall give me hope and strength, you give me purpose to keep writing my heart out and I am forever grateful for this platform to be me, who I truly am. SO I challenge you my readers to raise your wine, sprite, non-alcoholic beer, kombucha or ice water to 2023. Maybe we make this year our b*tch because we could seriously use just a really f*cking good solid ass year.
Allergy szn b*tchesssss!! In a dramatic turn of events, I am channeling my PA program rejections (4 out, 4 to go) into proactive energy working at at karaoke bar making significantly less money!!! Yay!!!! Who knew. Life has been this: applied for schools, left my BULLSH*T medical assistant job, was denied unemployment benefits, anddddd became a hostess ayeeeeeeā¦
Itās been land of the lost, limbo narnia, unsure nation 2.0ā¦ BUT I do have a new addiction called āDoorDashing.ā LOL. Literally it is saving my ass and paying my credit card minimums 10/10 recommend (Instacart can suck a d*ck). SO YEAH, here we are a month shy of me losing my parents insurance benefits for good and here I am sniffling as the leaves change, checking IDs and trying not to eat my weight in free chicken nuggets. Itās definitely spooky season bc Iām scared lol.
Itās been a trying time of accepting the present moment and trying my best to find peace WITHIN IT AHHH *practice what you preach.* So, ya know Iāve had time to process things that have happened while being 25 years young. Iāve been able to walk my dog longer, catch up on tv, read a lil (like a tiny teeny bit), see my friends, manicure my manās eyebrows, wash my hair more often etc. The silver lining here is time. Time doesnāt pay the bills but it is priceless. This period of my life is the much needed slow down Iāve been desperate for.
Moving forward I feel this: my right now moments lead into my tomorrow moments and everything can change at any moment. Things havenāt necessarily gone my way for a higher purpose, like annoying, but I get it. I mean Iāve been given the gift of time and sleep which is more than Iāve been able to have in awhile. Iām learning how to value myself in ways I didnāt recognize before. So friends, I raise my hard kombucha today for the good sake of tomorrow and what it will bring. I challenge you all to do the same!
She forgot her Gucci flip flops but time is on her side š¤
Are you a meticulous planner? Do you think wayyyy ahead and then freak out over things that haven’t happened yet? Or are you always present and just go with the flow?? Well guess what folks! You are in the right place and this is the blog post for you!! ALL FOR (almost) FREE!! ….just the small fee of continuing to read my word vomit is required š
SO yes yes yes I have once again been inspired by my own chaos–woohoo! Its funny how most creatives get inspiration from their own bullshit lol I digress. BUT on todays episode of “Coffeeshopvibes AKA i dont know shit i just write what i feel” my question to you is this: Is it wise to plan ahead and consider the “what-ifs” or maybes of life? We do it because we’re literally human and usually we have to otherwise what tf to we have to look forward to?? (or is that just me lol).
Lately a lot has been happening. Good and not so good but mostly its aight. Haven’t heard back from PA schools yet, quit my shitty job and got a better one (at a karaoke bar LMAO thats on brand for me), and consistently contemplating the quantum physical f*cksh*t that is life. ANYWAYS, if there is one thing that is on my mind more than ramen noodles, its the impending unknown of the ~fUtUrE~… I plan everything. Well most things. Im a sticky note queen, in college I had like 3 planners and I utilize the reminders app on my phone + my google calendar like my life depends on it (which technically for me it does lol).
In some cases, this is a good thing! I stay busy, I consider myself organized and it helps bring structure to my life. BUT I am also a work in progress trying to unlearn certain behaviors that aren’t as healthy. For example, throughout my adult life it has been very challenging for me to be present. Going with the flow and taking things as they come is scary bc I like too know the future so I can control the outcome which is TOXIC energy that requires work to change.
Through therapy and supportive relationships, I have learned it can be dangerous to harp on whats coming. We naturally create expectations for things that have not occurred yet or perhaps may never happen, good or bad. We try to guarantee things will go our way by constantly talking about them, planning them, thinking about them and then when the time comes, we hope it’s everything we mapped out in our heads. When it’s not, we can become sad, depressed or just frustrated as hell. The truth is, this is happening a lot, within most of us no matter who you are.
As per usual my go to sanctuary has been my yoga practice (and new found love for hip-hop dancing ayooo), and today the intention set for class by the instructor was quite literally, exactly what I needed to hear and understand: “When we achieve and accept the present moment, we can find peace. The present moment might not be peaceful, but with acceptance we can find peace within it.”
This SHOOK me to my core in the best way, here I was mountain posing my way out of tiredness and anxiety when she dropped this wisdom bomb. The idea behind this message is the reality that all of us face. She was basically stating this: although we have so much BS around us and on us at all times, and although we are constantly thinking about our tomorrow or our lunch hour or whatever— if we take a moment to breathe in what we are experiencing at the present, we can accept and be ok where we are.
There is something to be said about present-ness and focus. In yoga, shavasana pose (the one where you just lay flat on the ground), is arguably one of the hardest poses there is. That is because you are challenged to be still and present. Challenged to drown out intrusive thinking by focusing on ones breathing. Its f*cking hard okay?? BUT it tests you, just like life does 24/7 365 billion days a year. AND its all practice, practice makes perfect.
SO my challenge to you AND to myself, is to practice being present. Practice going with the flow, focus on your own 2 feet and how you’re about to walk to the kitchen for a snack, then focus on the deliciousness of that snack and be in that moment, because that moment IS guaranteed. Plus, who doesn’t love a snack that is guaranteed to be delicious??
Have you ever stared out into the ocean, like wayyyy out onto the horizon and thought, “what the f*ck is out there?”…probably more ocean lol but it feels and looks so mysterious. Like if I was lost at sea for an hour, that would be ok ya know?
Getting lost can be amazing (or a nightmare), but these days between SCOTUS starring in Black Mirror and MGK + Megan Fox running the world, getting lost kinda sounds nice…bc it would hopefully be anywhere but here right?
Sometimes I get lost in thought, which can SUCK if it has anything to do with my work, school applications (yes I did apply omg post on that later), or my spending tendencie$. BUT sometimes its cool and I don’t even realize it until it’s over. Im writing this blog post on getting lost in thoughts or moments, bc with every headline or deadline, I find myself LONGING for literally any kind of positive distraction. Sh*t, sometimes Ill be doing the damn dishes for 20 minutes thinking about how Selena Gomez has been a low-key star just doing her thing not annoying anybody vs Britney who has all her concerning Instagram dance videos (don’t come for me). When I’m done with the dishes I think “oh that was nice! Time to stress out about literally everything! What else can I clean???????”
Just yesterday I was looking for seashells. Searching for colors, shapes, bit and pieces etc. It was so fun, I felt like a kid with no responsibility or demands. Literally just feeling like all I had to do was focus on finding shells. It was honestly therapeutic. I didn’t think about work, school, money, not even lunch lol. When I got out of the water, I felt a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the fact that I could even get so distracted.
Connecting to our ramblings and distractions and finding peace in them, is a gift tbh. So next time that you get lost in your thoughts or small actions, whether it be cleaning the shower and singing to Dua Lipa or walking in the forest somewhere listening to bird calls and insects, make sure to say thank you. Say thanks to you, for your ability to think about random sh*t.
Messy, messy, messy. Thatās been the overarching theme of these past few months. COVID cases rising, womenās rights plummeting, people shooting guns into oblivion, work-life balance teetering on the edge of destruction. Blah, blah, blah.
So much time for insanity & stress, so little time for peace and āself care.ā In my recent post I shared my challenge of making myself NOT check the news everyday. Itās actually worked (besides the major stories that squeeze there way into my day). I am ever so slightly less on edge than I was before. BUT my ticket to bits and pieces of peaceful moments is not just coffee breaks and a zero-news policyāitās actually what I call mindful wellness. And yeah, if life allows for this so called mindful wellness, then you take that shit and R U N with it. Hereās why.
Some of you are like āwtf is that I mean yeah I drink water and sleep sometimes and thatās what I call good health.ā Others are like āyes sis I zen out all the time just childās pose and chill.ā WELL, mindful wellness to me is when somehow some way, I am able to create space to do something for myself that a) pushes my comfort boundaries like trying something new b) schedule an appointment for something that brings me physical relief or c) make time for ANYTHING that brings me joy (Nordstrom rack stroll, coffee shop trip, painting my toes or blasting J-Loās Jenny from the Block).
My real life example is something Iāve picked up recently. Once a week, I go to beginning/intermediate hip hop dance choreography and dance my heart out. Iām no professional by any means and the only other dance Iāve done is as a kid until I was like 6. But for some reason, this shit unlocks my soul and I feel so elated. Iāve always said that in my past life or if I were to be reincarnated, I would be a talented back up dancer to someone famous. This time and space that I create, this one hour of dancing and learning something new, brings me so much joy.
In a world that tries to steal ALL our joy- we must take it back. Take back that space and time. Find a way if you can. Plan ahead. Take a day, an hour, even 20 minutes to choose something (walking, dancing, reading, Pilates, yoga, that tv series that airs new episodes once a week, cooking etc). Anything that feels like soul foodāEAT IT. Itās SO important to choose yourself in ways that make you feel happy, special, cared for.
Yāall we are more than our jobs, more than our relationships, more than our paychecks. We often forget that thereās more to our lives and sometimes we have to change our routine to account for something more than work, school, sleep, repeat or whatever it is that you usually do. So YEAH, mindful wellness is key fam. DONāT forget to do thingsšš¼
My gawd. What the hell happened. April is that weird month between cold and warm where no one really knows if they should wear a jacket or not? Like freezing when you walk out the house but 10 minutes in your sweaty and frustrated. Yay!
Anyways, this post comes after the ‘sunday scaries’ hit me. At work. Lmao I work Sundays so it just sucks. BUT, truly I got to thinking. I made a new commitment to myself. A mid year resolution if you will. I vow to stay away from actively checking the news. Like seeking out stories, listening to news podcasts or constantly refreshing Yahoo News for weird click-baity bullshit. Literally though, today was weird. On a Sunday morning, I read about Ukraine still blowing up, Portlands’ 473485348975th shooting this year already, someone’s car being stolen in my neighborhood (again), etc..the list goes on. ALL before noon like wtf.
Its one of those things that can really affect you. I feel like I exist in a constant state of low grade anxiousness and paranoia. Life, the world, people…all so unpredictable. No day is the same- in both good and bad ways. One day it’s amazing news like the Supreme Court Justice being a black woman or Portland having a 5 day sunny streak. The next day its a double homicide with a side of rain. I. CaNt. DeAl.
I have to constantly try to disassociate myself from the negative shit. ITS LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. Facebook, Insta, snapchat, TV, magazines, c a b l e, other people..even unsolicited when it pops up on my phone or computer when I don’t want it. It brings me down, seriously I get freaked out and wish I could wrap the people, places and animals I love in bubble wrap. I have to take a breath and focus in on the reality of where I am and what Im doing. Remaining present helps, but then I also spam text everyone I know and care about to make sure they’re fine so that I can continue my day.
Everyone leans on different things. I blog, I pray, I watch TV (have to be careful bc I like dramatic shows but that doesn’t always tie in well with avoiding negative shit), go to yoga, focus on work, FaceTime my people, walk my dog. All the things that make me happy. I, and by I, I mean WE as people cannot live in fear for we will stop living altogether if that happens. BUT we remain vigilant AND as present as we can. Be smart, be tough but don’t forget to enjoy. Enjoy the reasons we find life worth living like fr because that sh*t is important.
I speak a lot on inner peace. I believe that our inner peace allows us to be good people in this world of chaos. Well I can’t be a peaceful b*tch when the world seems to be falling apart??? SO if anyone reading this can relate in any way, I challenge you to join me in committing to no news for awhile. The news will always be there, both good and things will happen, and if the news is big enough then we’ll find out anyways BUT for now, focus on the good shit and exhale- or just don’t read- that bullshit.
Its trouble, pain, stress, hardship, worry, fear, trauma, damage, confusion. It’s where I feel most lost. And it’s happening nearly all the time.
BUT. Theres that in-between space. Where there’s air to breathe. When my footsteps don’t feel as heavy. When I get my jacket caught on a door handle yet I don’t feel like punching a wall or getting red in the face. It’s those moments where I notice more little things, like people holding hands, or birds chirping. Today I didn’t order coffee to survive, I ordered coffee for FUN. I got a hot Americano with half & half and honey lavender syrup. I MEAN thank GAWD for the days we can splurge on some organic honey lavender syrup.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a weird mix of gratefulness and guilt. Grateful I can wake up safe, warm with a roof over my head but also guilty that our world is suffering all over the globe. So when I notice my inner peace and really feel the calm..I take note. I bask in it. I breathe it in. Inhale the good shit exhale the bullshit type deal. Our inner peace is of the UTMOST importance. It’s what keeps us alive. Without our good moments with ourselves and others, what do we have?
I challenge anyone reading this post to take note and think for a moment about a good thing that happened to you recently. Whether it be finding $5 on the floor or someone hot smiled at you. Maybe you cleaned your house and found an old relic or your dog finally did that new trick. Maybe you got that shift covered or you notice the sun shining into your room in just the most perfect way like an urban outfitters ad.
Notice your inner peace. Roll around in it, inhale, exhale. Because in a world that feels like constant chaos, our inner peace and the good energy we manifest through it, is unmatched.
CoffeeShopVibes 