In between outgrowing what I knew and where Iām going.
Realizing that being at war with yourself is a fight that canāt be won.Ā
Understanding that relationships deepen but get more complicated as we age.
28 is making peace with what I donāt know. Accepting that the price of my new self is my old self.
You canāt outgrow what you donāt let go of.
I’m not in the bittersweet wanderlust of my early to mid twenties, yet not quite made it to the fresh start of my thirties.Ā
Praying the world gives us the grace to grow.
Some of us are drinkin, smokin, getting high. Some hanging on by a thread seeking light and strength wherever we can find it. Some buying houses, having babies, getting married. Others on a lonely adventure exploring lifeās unpredictability.
28 is being stained by what we have uncovered about ourselves and the reality of our worldā¦ but continuing to soldier on. Doing it scared. Taking risks to keep moving because we either swim or die.
28 is having discovered what we donāt like.
Itās about knowing more about our morals and what we stand on more than ever before.
Itās having just a little more clarity about life than we did when we were 26.
We made it past the 27 club.
28 is great because the world takes us slightly more seriously. Weāre not ābabiesā but weāre not old enough to have the answers.
28 is like being the oldest sibling. People look to you as if youāre gonna know what to do, and we fake it as if we do.
28 is my favorite year of life. Not because I have more wisdom inside me and certain failures behind me.
I love it because with this little bit of life I know, I actually believe in something. I have achieved enough, lived long enough and worked hard enough to finally believe in myself.
I wonder what 29 will bring.
xoxo,
T
“Are you a hot person feeling down and depressed?”
Change. Is it the jingly jangly shit in my pocket? Is it the random time between Winter and Spring? Or perhaps change is when I switch up my workout routine, get a 0.000001% raise or try a vegetarian diet for 3.25 months. Iāve written about change before and how accepting it has historically been challenging for me. That was a few years ago. Now, after Iāve undergone the most change Iāve experienced in life, hereās what I have to say: CHANGE CAN BE A CHOICE (if we choose it back).
Still with me? Iāll explain. Itās been some time since I have written a creative piece such as this. Thatās because I spent the last *however many months* riding the f*cking tidal wave of life and my surfboard was a really sturdy toothpick. We all know this wave quite intimately, and when the wave crashes on the shore, the change hits. It can be incredible, amazing, ājust-what-I-neededā redirecting change. Or perhaps it’s awful, life-altering, destructible change. Hell, it could be small but just as impactful as a fender bender or catching a bad flu that uses the only sick time you have left. Either way change is change but it is a choice and hereās why. We either change with it, or we donāt. When we choose to surf, we ~become~ the change (imagine the Smuckerās Goober PB and Jelly swirl spread). The change then becomes agreeable even when it’s awful because we adapt to it. When we embrace it or accept it (maybe after some time), the change becomes our new normal, our new life. Donāt get me wrong, in my experience, embracing change is the dumbest thing to be told. I hate hearing it. Even if I know logically that this annoying statement also doubles as a golden rule, (especially since we often wouldnāt know positive redirection if it slapped us in the face with a spatula) I still make a weird face when I hear it or see it.Ā
These past 6-8 months have changed my perspective on change and how EmBrAcInG iT or whatever might actually benefit me?? That is because I knew change was coming (which didnāt feel like a choice), I refused to believe it or change with it for a little while, but when I realized that I was choosing to suffer, I took a step back and thought about it a little harder. After some emotional *adjusting* :ā) I thought āhmm, maybe if I take it upon myself to move with the current, I might not drown.ā Andddddddd thatās what I did. I began to shift my view of the world to what was within my realm of control: my thoughts, how I process my emotions and what I choose to do or not do (shoutout Mel Robbins Author of the Let Them Theoryāgroundbreaking book). Understanding what I could control HELPED me exponentially in understanding my choices when change arrives at my doorstep. I was able to relinquish control of the thoughts and fears that were holding me back. I wasnāt perfect, it wasnāt linear and it is still an ongoing journey, but it permanently altered my brain chemistry for the better.
Maybe all this makes sense, maybe it doesnāt. What I do know is thisā change comes in all different shapes, sizes, colors, smells, vibesā¦and itās going to happen whether we like it or not. It is then within OUR realm of power to release what weāre trying to control and move with the change, not against it. WAYYYY easier said than done, I know. BUT! Friends, my challenge to you is this: next time you are experiencing change of any kindābear in mind what might help you so that you donāt keep getting in your own way. Recognize what you can change and what you canāt, donāt give your power away to a situation you have no power over and then take it back for yourself. THAT is how you surf. Itās not about being okay with all the change or the situation, itās about self preservation so you can rise again, stronger than ever before.Ā
xoxo,
Trin š
“Tell me to embrace change one more f*cking time I’m gonna lose my sh*t”
Embracing change can feel like hugging a cactus. Or perhaps itās similar to taking cherry flavored cough syrupāitās awful tasting, but you know you need it and that eventually itāll make you feel better.
Embracing change is one of those things that we essentially have no say in. So quite literally we either embrace it or make things entirely more difficult by avoiding it.
Historically, I have been terrible at embracing change. I am usually afraid of the future and what I canāt control, itās something Iāve been grappling with my whole life. When change happens Iām not always ready for it and Iām donāt always handle it well. However, when the storm passes and the change is simply ~happening~ to meā¦. I find that Iām actually, truly okay. Like the fear of it was wayyyy worse than the change itself.
I feel like I am not alone in this either. I think we can all agree itās reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly difficult to understand that change is actually happening for the betterment of our own futures (or something wise like that idk). Change also manifests different for everyone. It hurts different, hits different, heals different for every single human. No two paths are alike.
Sometimes we forget that we ALL go through it, like we fail to realize weāre all navigating this chaos at the same time!!! I have many friends right now, all in their twenties and early thirties still scratching their heads asking āwhat went wrong here? How long until this is resolved? When will I feel better? Is it my fault?ā The answer is WHO FUC*IN KNOWS. A wise man once said, ātime will tell us everything we need to know.ā That line has never been more true and encompasses every aspect of the struggleāthe reality is there is no quick fix and change doesnāt happen overnight. Itās a matter of l-e-t-t-i-n-g it happen naturally. You canāt force it, like a fart- if you force it, itās probably shit (saw this on a magnet somewhere).
So friends, to all this I sayā try your hardest to be like the ocean and move with the waves. Let your self be carried by the water into the good vibes ahead. No sense in fighting the current because youāll just be struggling to keep your head above water. Remember to take those deep breaths, lean on your loved ones, eat that bagel, do that workout and watch that episode. Take care of yourselves and love yourself through it, thatās the only way.
My families dog- Jazzyš 05/2011-10/3/2023. May she reign in doggy heaven forever āØš¶šš¤ R.I.P
This is arguably by far the hardest, most challenging, uprooting, beautiful, heavy and confusing year of my life. I can say with UTTER and complete confidence that I have no f*cking idea what is going on. I am 26. Just 26 years young and 100% agree with the idea that your twenties are a hot train wreck from hell. There are so many silver linings and miracles within our youth. I have been blessed to the nines with some of the people I have met and the places I have been, yet there is this counter balance. This weight that is wrapped around your ankles, pulling you down. I am in this crazy space where I am free yet so stuck. Like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long that I just keep running. Sweating, out of breath, thirsty, in pain.
This year my heart broke. This year my car broke (literally got into my second accident totaling my car once again). This year I went to Europe and fell in love with a new city. This year I got lost and not a single google maps search could save me from not knowing where my future lies. This year I realized my past stole from meā my money, my time and my love.
I am going to be 27 in November and Im f*cking terrified. Who will I meet? Where will I go? Can I afford to go there? Will my heart become whole again? Will I finally stop crying?? (LOL never). I just have no clue which way is up these days. I donāt know whoās right and whoās wrong. Ive never been so unsure in my entire life.
But you know whatāIām here. Iām here to find out. Everyday is the exact same but different. Everyday I wake up, anything can happen. I could run into 50 cent at the grocery store. I could win a cereal box sweepstakes. Maybe someone will discover me and Iāll become a famous blogger. Quite literally the world is my OYSTER (and I like oysters). So yes, I have been on the ride of my damn life, doing my best to stay positive and ākeep my head up.ā UGH can we be more original please!?
SO many questions, unanswered. ZERO sense of direction. No comprehension -anymore- of what I wanna be when I grow up. Sometimes I feel like Iām even going backwards and everyone else is moving forward past me. AND I KNOW how this sounds. This is literally my thoughts, my brain IS this blog. I write to stay alive. I write to feel strong. To connect, to stay grounded in something when everything else is just non existent or falling apart. And to be clear, this isnāt an invitation for sympathy. This is my platform to be me and all are welcome here. Plus I KNOW you people have shit youāre going through. We ALL do for f*cks sake.
With that being said though, Iām here. Im a person, a human. I write love letters to you and to myself with this blog. Youāre not alone on this sinking ship. Lets keep bailing water out of this b*tch before *insert tasteless joke about millionaires and the deep sea*
Yo yo yo!!!! Itās ya girl back with a new episode of āWTF IS SHE DOING WITH HER LIFEā š
So yes. Here we go. I am officially an Emergency Medical Technician student! I am so stoked. I decided to hit pause on getting my masters as a Physician Assistant and get more experience learning and hopefully doing some dope and crazy sh*t!!! Iām a little nervous but I know itās the right thing because for some odd reason I am DRAWN TO THE CHAOS and I wanna help.
The thing is: this is the first time in over a year where I feel genuinely confident that I am 1000% where I am supposed to be. It doesnāt feel like a waste of time and I am so eager to learn. Ya know when you do something and it just feels right? Like nothing in your body is telling you otherwise. Itās a good feeling and Iāll admit itās a foreign one too. I am a firm believer in working the system until you find the right fit. As an adult, Iāve always known that healthcare is for me, but Iāve had SO MANY jobs that didnāt feel ārightā and this new adventure FINALLY feels correct like it clicked.
I would also like to point out that working with like minded people is such a valuable thing. Everyone in my class is a little cray cray because not only do we wanna be front line, we actually find joy in chaotic places where we feel we can make an actual difference. If you follow my blog, you know I have had a lot of ups and downs in my career/job life so writing this now is quite a revelation for me LOL.
The main reason I wanted to share my news with you all is because I have learned that No matter what, no matter how f*cking CORNY it soundsā¦DO NOT GIVE UP. Not on yourself, not on your dreams, not on your gut feelings etc. stick to it baby. What you put it is what you get out. You are the one that will take yourself to new heights but only if you actually BELIEVE you can reach them. I know I know it sounds lowkey stupid lol but take it from a b*tch who hasnāt had the most clear and direct/easy path to where she is now. Itās been one hell of a ride and itās honestly just starting. Maybe in 3 years Iāll be a medic overseas makinā dough, saving lives and sippin margs (off duty of course). IDK BUT I BELIEVE IT B*TCH.
So with this I say: visualize it. Breathe it. Even if you arenāt sure wtf is going on. Pick a feeling and roll with it like the damn tides babe. If youāre like āhmmm idk I like teaching and I like yoga and I like warm weatherā then maybe try yoga teaching. If you love animals and like talking a lot then go hang out at the zoo and look at their job openings idk. But understand this: there are options and there is a pathway. This blog is for those of us who have had a rough go at finding itā¦ but sisā¦ itās f*cking there you just have to go get it!
Wear green and share this post 10 times and you’ll be rich by next Wednesday.
I have never ever felt more āuntethered,ā lost, unbound, unwound or weirded out in my whole 26 year old mfāing LIFE. But itās ok! And Iāll explain lol.
The ONLY tangible shit keeping me afloat is the fact that SZA is going on tour in March and I MIGHT BE ABLE TO AFFORD IT? IDK remains to be seen. ANYWAYS, people its time to post some thoughts as this INSANE and wild year of 2022 is finally at its close.
A close friend of mine asked me, āhow would you describe your year in a few words.ā THAT is a F************cking QUESTION! Hereās what I said: complex, confusing, challenging and bittersweet.
Not exactly a chipper description. However, its just honest. I had some killer good times and incredible highlights truly. Going places IāllĀ never forget and living unforgettable moments. SO with that, letās start with what we learned this year (āweā being me and my good friend anxiety).Ā
This year I learned more than anything: HUMILITY AND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE MORE HUMBLE. This statement is crucial to personal growth because sometimes you have a plan and then life saysĀ f*ck YOU i donāt think so! and then youāre slapped in the face with redirecting and reevaluating your life (as my wise old man would say). Having gone through MANY ups and downs, career changes and jobs this year on top of PA school rejections, has truly made me stop and smell the āØnew pathway to idk whereāØIn all seriousness, I learned the importance of: being okay with TAKING AN L (for those of you who donāt relate to this slang it simply means ābeing ok with taking a lossā such as not achieving your dreams or something lol). āš¼
NEXT UP: HOW TO HUSTLE FOR MY GAWDDAMN MONEY. This one is near and dear to my heart (far from my wallet) because this is the big year that I not only came off moms tit (and her kush insurance plan) BUT was so in between jobs that I had to hustle and grind just to keep myself afloat in more ways than one.Ā I worked to discover local resources, side hustles and budgeting tactics.Ā Delivery driving, donating plasma and working part time at a karaoke bar wasnāt glamorous but it kept my ass wiped and I had food on the table. THAT BEING SAID: this next year is all about struggling less. However, there is beauty in the struggle. I learned a lot about how to survive and take care of sh*t.Ā
FINALLY: I leaned into my strengths. I tried new things (hip hop dance specifically, I still royaly suck at cooking) and gained confidence. I worked to better myself and find out more about what I want and deserve. Quite honestly folks, sometimes just seeing some growth in yourself such as this is enough to feel proud of yourself. NEVER FORGET to recognize your growth and achievements no matter how small you think they are. We are always evolving and thus far i think that is literally the key to life.
SO NOW we get to the good shitšš½WTF are my resolutions or whatever???
In truth, Iām very proud as they are really realistic and tangible things. When making your resolution list (if you are someone who does this whether its written or mentally noted), MAKE 100% SURE they are things you can realistically accomplish. My blog was on my list for 2022 and check it out YOU are reading MY words! š¤Ŗ
Here are 5 real items from my list that I chose after reflecting on my year:
1 Get my EMT certification
2 take a self defense class
3 start my Spanish classes
4 learn to not lash out when struggling emotionally
5 start new creative project
Now this isnāt my full list, some of the other sh*t is aligned with emotional & spiritual growth but hereās the thing. Taking hold of tangible goals and working to bring them to fruition will allow you to grow naturally. As we overcome obstacles and do things, we create space for learning and growth (as I discuss in previous posts), 2022 has confirmed this for me more than any other year of life. DO NOT GIVE UP. Yes, its corny but our goals, strengths, ideas, and gifts give us purpose for each year, each day and each moment. We are here and we are now. Our goals and resolutions, our tomorrowā¦.it all matters, regardless of how f*cking dumb the world is acting (throwback moment to the Will Smith bitchslap making national news only to be followed by the Roe v Wade global DISASTERā¦.you KNOW i could pull a million trillion other examplesš).
In closing, I want to say THANK YOUš Thank you for my readers, my supporters and my listeners. Yāall give me hope and strength, you give me purpose to keep writing my heart out and I am forever grateful for this platform to be me, who I truly am. SO I challenge you my readers to raise your wine, sprite, non-alcoholic beer, kombucha or ice water to 2023. Maybe we make this year our b*tch because we could seriously use just a really f*cking good solid ass year.
Allergy szn b*tchesssss!! In a dramatic turn of events, I am channeling my PA program rejections (4 out, 4 to go) into proactive energy working at at karaoke bar making significantly less money!!! Yay!!!! Who knew. Life has been this: applied for schools, left my BULLSH*T medical assistant job, was denied unemployment benefits, anddddd became a hostess ayeeeeeeā¦
Itās been land of the lost, limbo narnia, unsure nation 2.0ā¦ BUT I do have a new addiction called āDoorDashing.ā LOL. Literally it is saving my ass and paying my credit card minimums 10/10 recommend (Instacart can suck a d*ck). SO YEAH, here we are a month shy of me losing my parents insurance benefits for good and here I am sniffling as the leaves change, checking IDs and trying not to eat my weight in free chicken nuggets. Itās definitely spooky season bc Iām scared lol.
Itās been a trying time of accepting the present moment and trying my best to find peace WITHIN IT AHHH *practice what you preach.* So, ya know Iāve had time to process things that have happened while being 25 years young. Iāve been able to walk my dog longer, catch up on tv, read a lil (like a tiny teeny bit), see my friends, manicure my manās eyebrows, wash my hair more often etc. The silver lining here is time. Time doesnāt pay the bills but it is priceless. This period of my life is the much needed slow down Iāve been desperate for.
Moving forward I feel this: my right now moments lead into my tomorrow moments and everything can change at any moment. Things havenāt necessarily gone my way for a higher purpose, like annoying, but I get it. I mean Iāve been given the gift of time and sleep which is more than Iāve been able to have in awhile. Iām learning how to value myself in ways I didnāt recognize before. So friends, I raise my hard kombucha today for the good sake of tomorrow and what it will bring. I challenge you all to do the same!
She forgot her Gucci flip flops but time is on her side š¤
Have you ever stared out into the ocean, like wayyyy out onto the horizon and thought, “what the f*ck is out there?”…probably more ocean lol but it feels and looks so mysterious. Like if I was lost at sea for an hour, that would be ok ya know?
Getting lost can be amazing (or a nightmare), but these days between SCOTUS starring in Black Mirror and MGK + Megan Fox running the world, getting lost kinda sounds nice…bc it would hopefully be anywhere but here right?
Sometimes I get lost in thought, which can SUCK if it has anything to do with my work, school applications (yes I did apply omg post on that later), or my spending tendencie$. BUT sometimes its cool and I don’t even realize it until it’s over. Im writing this blog post on getting lost in thoughts or moments, bc with every headline or deadline, I find myself LONGING for literally any kind of positive distraction. Sh*t, sometimes Ill be doing the damn dishes for 20 minutes thinking about how Selena Gomez has been a low-key star just doing her thing not annoying anybody vs Britney who has all her concerning Instagram dance videos (don’t come for me). When I’m done with the dishes I think “oh that was nice! Time to stress out about literally everything! What else can I clean???????”
Just yesterday I was looking for seashells. Searching for colors, shapes, bit and pieces etc. It was so fun, I felt like a kid with no responsibility or demands. Literally just feeling like all I had to do was focus on finding shells. It was honestly therapeutic. I didn’t think about work, school, money, not even lunch lol. When I got out of the water, I felt a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the fact that I could even get so distracted.
Connecting to our ramblings and distractions and finding peace in them, is a gift tbh. So next time that you get lost in your thoughts or small actions, whether it be cleaning the shower and singing to Dua Lipa or walking in the forest somewhere listening to bird calls and insects, make sure to say thank you. Say thanks to you, for your ability to think about random sh*t.
CoffeeShopVibes 