In between outgrowing what I knew and where I’m going.
Realizing that being at war with yourself is a fight that can’t be won.
Understanding that relationships deepen but get more complicated as we age.
28 is making peace with what I don’t know. Accepting that the price of my new self is my old self.
You can’t outgrow what you don’t let go of.
I’m not in the bittersweet wanderlust of my early to mid twenties, yet not quite made it to the fresh start of my thirties.
Praying the world gives us the grace to grow.
Some of us are drinkin, smokin, getting high. Some hanging on by a thread seeking light and strength wherever we can find it. Some buying houses, having babies, getting married. Others on a lonely adventure exploring life’s unpredictability.
28 is being stained by what we have uncovered about ourselves and the reality of our world… but continuing to soldier on. Doing it scared. Taking risks to keep moving because we either swim or die.
28 is having discovered what we don’t like.
It’s about knowing more about our morals and what we stand on more than ever before.
It’s having just a little more clarity about life than we did when we were 26.
We made it past the 27 club.
28 is great because the world takes us slightly more seriously. We’re not “babies” but we’re not old enough to have the answers.
28 is like being the oldest sibling. People look to you as if you’re gonna know what to do, and we fake it as if we do.
28 is my favorite year of life. Not because I have more wisdom inside me and certain failures behind me.
I love it because with this little bit of life I know, I actually believe in something. I have achieved enough, lived long enough and worked hard enough to finally believe in myself.
I wonder what 29 will bring.
xoxo,
T
“Are you a hot person feeling down and depressed?”
Why is the cost of love, loss? Why do we solider on and persevere even if it seems the odds are stacked against us? Why do we “fight the good fight” with so much to lose? It seems the ticket of admission for deep love and true connection is risk–risking everything within ourselves in the hopes love will never fail. Yet, we lose people, pets, things…so my question is why in the hell do we continue again and again when we KNOW beyond a reasonable doubt that we will suffer pain, loss, angst? Is it really true that “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?” My answer is yes. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all .
The reason you’re alive on this Earth? At some point the two people who created you felt a sensation. Could have been lust, companionship, longing, or it could have been love. That’s the reason for my existence, the reason I have a name, it’s the reason I write this blog. To be human is to love and be loved. It starts wars and ends them. To be human is to experience every emotion under the sun and think the world may end at any moment, but continue to reheat our coffees and change the bed sheets as if we’ll live forever and nothing is wrong. But that is the insanely beautiful juxtaposition of life…just as love is with loss or change. We know *in theory* that nothing we can hold in our hands will last forever. But the crazy thing, is that love does last forever. It never fails, and it is our one true constant. You love your parents after they are long gone… you love your pets after they cross the rainbow bridge… you love after loss, and how grateful are we to have known that love? That love travels with you, and you spread it to others. To your friends, your other family, hopefully you spread it to yourself too.
So Okay—but does this explain why we as humans hold on to love even when it’s a risk? Even when it might not make sense to the outside world? It explains that pain is apart of the human experience as we are all too intimately familiar with. However, the thing about love is that it’s stubborn. Just as we are. We don’t give up easily because there is too much at stake. Matters of the heart will always bring hardship, but how interesting that on the other side there could be great change, joy, peace and happiness? When we have love, whether it be romantic, friendship, familial…it is always worth fighting for. That is because without it, without each other, this world becomes a different place. Other people are the greatest joy in life. We teach each other things, push each other to grow, experience the world together, support one another whether it be with math homework, cooking dinner, climbing Mt Everest or simply sharing thoughts over a phone call.
So although we may endure the sharpness of loss, we also become immersed in the pure joy that is loving others and being loved by others. There’s nothing else that can compare and it is apart of who we are as people. As long as we have love in this world, we also have hope. So friends, next time you cross paths with love itself…notice it, feel it, recognize it. Hold onto it. Life is both long and enduring, while also fragile and special. We live in a very hectic world where love is often last on the list of priorities. Yet without it, there would be no me, there would be no you.
My coffee tastes gross. Not enough creamer… too much water? Maybe this half-calf mushroom infused brew wasn’t the best idea, but I love the concept…so I’ll roll with it. Even though I’m not a huge fan, I love it. I love having coffee..even bad coffee. I love drinking bad coffee at work mid morning on a Thursday. I love it because of one reason: I can. I can have it. I can hate it. I have the opportunity to drink bad coffee on a Thursday at my wild job that pays me. That paycheck gives me my home, my food, my clothes. My home gives me space to exist imperfectly as I am.
We had a patient come into the clinic recently with quite an extraordinarily sad story. He had just recently lost his adult daughter to a sudden death and he lost his wife 18 months prior. I don’t tell you this to feel sorry, it is indeed horrific so empathy is natural. I am recalling this information for my blog because we as humans are often so caught up in the noise of our lives, we forget the reality of our human condition: we are human. Complex, ridiculous, silly, lovable, sometimes hate-able, ungrateful, wise, excitable, messy, beautiful people. One of the particular privileges of working in medicine is bearing witness to the human condition in a very vulnerable way. Most often, patients don’t want to be patients. So relinquishing control and allowing healthcare professionals to help is a special, intimate part of the medical world. When this intimacy unfolds, I often find one thing happens across the board– people just want to be heard and they just want to feel safe. So when I hear stories from folks similar to that of my patient, I am immediately humbled. It’s a challenge not to feel shameful or guilty for having anxieties, fears, or doubts about trivial aspects of life. A very large part of why I love my work in medicine is because I receive a daily invitation to remember my humility and the value of surrender.
Surrender has been a very large theme in my life as of late. I am learning quite a bit about being a sponge and absorbing the soapy crusty bits and pieces that life has to offer me. My patients are often in their 70s, 80s, 90s and even 100s!! I can’t help but pick their experienced brains and ask for advice. I often hear a lot of the same answers.
“Smile often. Just try to make the most of it.”
“Don’t ever take anything too serious!”
“You only get one life.”
“Eat chocolate. Drink wine. That’s how I made it to 105.”
“I’ll move until I can’t move anymore!”
“Don’t try to win ’em. There’s no point” (reference to arguing or picking battles)
“Just have fun.”
“We’re not perfect. Don’t try to be.”
Each encounter is a love letter. A gentle reminder that life is fluid, with a shit ton of ups and downs. When I hear stories that make me sad, it’s a harsh reminder that life is also short and fragile. It’s been an odd road–that of recognizing that all we’re guaranteed is the present moment. However, I am grateful. Grateful that I can recognize this. Grateful for the sweet sensation of surrender and the freedom that comes from not swimming upstream.
It’s not easy though. I’m still learning. There is also privilege in outwardly acknowledging surrender when something horrible isn’t happening, that is not lost on me. Especially in today’s climate where many of us are fighting for survival and surrender doesn’t even feel like an option.
When I think of surrender, I think of a complex river. There have been many times where I have been like a boulder in the middle, heavy and holding on for dear life. I feel like I just discovered a secret that somehow everyone else knew and I am just finding out. Like knowing to surrender and be present was a gift everyone received except me because I was absent that day. Practicing gratitude is a big part of what I try to practice on a daily basis, but I found out that it is a lot harder to receive if you can’t surrender and trust that things will be what they will be. It’s also important to note that there is wisdom in not trying to make something be what it simply isn’t.
So friends, my challenge to you is this. Find the good in your day today and take a small moment for gratitude—be grateful for your lame sandwich at lunch, the coffee that went cold, your mismatched socks, the ants in your kitchen, rain in the sky, the greeting from your pet, the book you are “almost finished with”… the list goes on. Human experience gives us good days and bad days. Both are real and exist, but it’s the bad days that remind us why the good days are good.
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