Sitting with it sucks. It’s confusing, it can hurt and it can be daunting. Sometimes it’s funny or lighthearted, maybe even a little ridiculous. Feelings sometimes run away from you and you seem to be overthinking while chasing them down forever. They’re stubborn and annoying, especially when everyone says you just have to “feel them.” Maybe I don’t want to feel my feelings today, does what mean I have to feel them tomorrow?
I’ve heard people say that feelings are like a guide, aggressively cutting away at the thick jungle brush as they seemingly know the way through, even though it all looks the same to you. This guide is supposedly going to show you to the open field where all the answers are waiting to reveal themselves to you. Yet, the more I walk, run or sit with my feelings, the farther away clarity seems to be.
That’s why my best friend and my greatest enemy are the same thing: time. With time (again as these mystery people say), all wounds heal. All things move forward and life goes on. It is with time that the field full of answers starts to bloom and you see what is meant for you to see. I find that this is the hardest part, waiting for time to do its damn job while I sit with my feelings. This is where the discomfort and discouragement creeps in. It is at this pivotal point where I have to remember that time is on my side, and that she only wants to help.
My other friend hope, visits me too. While I sit with my feelings, she tries to push me over this hill that I have decided to sit and stay atop of. As time goes on and the sitting happens and hope intervenes, it slowly gets better. I try to accept that I don’t always know what to do with my feelings either, like maybe that voice in my head barking orders like a broken record isn’t always right. Sometimes the best way to sit with your thoughts and feelings isn’t sitting at all. Perhaps the best way to follow that overgrown path through the jungle is to get up, put on your hiking boots and start cutting away at the thick brush too—trusting that no matter how overgrown the jungle might be, the clearing will always be there.
Real look at what the inside of my brain looks like.
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