Not Boring.

My coffee is lukewarm and my hands are cramping. I feel a sense of excitement but also fatigue as I think about this. My writing. 

My journey has been interesting as I have found myself to be consistently inconsistent in my work, my relationships and my endeavors. Maybe that makes me rich, but perhaps it makes me poor. I began in the traditional sense being told that after highschool, college is my only option to secure everything I want in life. I don’t blame my parents, they were only trying to do their best just like the rest of us.

I moved to Portland at 18 by myself and chose biology as my field to study. I only chose this because of Mr Boyd, my high school physiology 101 teacher. I remember that he made it fun, that he showed us how biology on a cellular level and what made humans work could actually be so fascinating. His class was my favorite.

So with my science major I accepted the terms and conditions of collegiate pain and suffering that came with a STEM field of study. In some ways it was badass, honorable and daring. In other ways it was idiotic, rageful and painstakingly challenging. Nonetheless, it was mine and after 4.5 years I graduated with an Honors College biology degree and a minor in community health (whatever that means). 

The only reasonable thing to do with this degree was move into the healthcare space, so again I did what I was told and began working in the medical field as a means to pursue Physician Assistant school. I worked, took the bus everywhere, worked some more, lived paycheck to paycheck and throughout Covid and life’s many ups and downs I stayed in hot pursuit of this goal. Prerequisites were required for applications so time and money was spent to complete these at home during lockdown. Experience (beyond what was reasonable) for these programs was also a must-have so I pushed myself beyond limitations within me that I didn’t even know existed. 

Since I graduated with my degree in 2019, I have worked in 8 different clinics not including a stint at a karaoke bar, which would bring this list to a total of 9 different jobs. What does this tell me? Many things. 

The first thing it tells me is that I get bored. Bored of the same duties, bored of disrespect, bored of mismanagement, bored of bullshit. It also tells me that I do not settle. I refuse to work in a space that doesn’t want me to evolve and be better. I also know that no matter where you work, there is always an element of organizational hierarchy whether it be appropriate or inappropriate. The lessons I have learned from all these dynamic spaces could fill a swimming pool. 

The most important takeaway though, is that I am learning exactly what I do not want anymore. The relationship I have with myself is growing everyday as I disengage from what I thought was “for me” but is now peeling away like a snake shedding its skin. This is a powerful and necessary change. Almost as if this series of events was so perfectly planned to lead me into my current mindset. I went to college for a specific reason, which was to get a degree so that I could land a secure job. That simply didn’t happen. Instead, I went to college, got my degree, learned invaluable social skills with which I entered the workforce to find that I hate the workforce. Now, based on my own personal lived experiences, I have a tangible understanding for what I do not want. I do not want to be enslaved to other people’s agendas and live at the mercy of someone else’s bottom dollar. 

My ultimate goal is to live in my creative freedom. I mean, look at how much I’ve got to write about. This is merely scratching the surface as they say. This is not even the tip of the iceberg, this is a small snowflake at the tip of the iceberg. All this is to say that I am not defined by what I have done nor by my accomplishments. In a podcast I recently tuned into, the host discussed that it’s not about who has the most money who wins, but rather who has the most experiences. That is where I intend to go, what I intend to do and who I intend to be– experience rich. 

Using what I know to launch forward is part one. My past is simply that. 

I didn’t get into PA school. In fact, I didn’t even get waitlisted. I failed out before I even started and it was the best thing that could have happened. I want to write, read, learn, and evolve. Still, my yearning is to help and be of service to others as I believe that is my God given gift. Reimagining the ways in which I can pursue this is my new driving force. It has always been within me to write. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to take a writing class and explore this. It is why I started my blog, a means of creative freedom to lean into who I am as a writer and create relatable content for my peers. 

So, as I sit at my desk here at the hospital and dream up my soon-to-be new reality, I am overcome with curiosity. Why did it take so long for the wool to be removed from my eyes? Why so many steps, highs, lows, mistakes, and doubts? Nothing valuable comes easily. Nothing worth waiting for arrives quickly. No one interesting ever has a streamlined, boring life. That’s just not what they write about.